Sharing With Caution

May 16th, 2012

How much of yourself do you share with others?

With the popularity of reality TV, Facebook/Twitter, and gossip blogs, we don’t think very much of sharing or learning about the most intimate part of people’s lives. Showing pictures of a vacation used to be for family and friends but now, considering how easy it is to load pictures onto Facebook, Instagram, or other sites, they are for everyone to see, even people you’re barely acquainted with or haven’t talked to in years.

It’s fun being able to catch up with people’s lives without having to utter a word to them, but at the same time, there seems to be a dark side to lightly sharing your business. If I had a dime for every time I heard about Facebook or Twitter drama on TV and in real life, I wouldn’t need to work. Sometimes I think we get so comfortable and are used to hearing the daily goings-on of the people around us that we don’t realize everything doesn’t need to be posted.

I’ve been talking about friendships and relationships lately and I definitely have issues when it comes to sharing, I admit. On my Facebook I have probably five pictures posted. I post status updates but they’re mostly random thoughts (ha!) that pop in my head, never anything on my personal life. Of course I’ve heard that the more info you put out about yourself on these sites, the more you get out of them (whether it be more friend requests, comments/likes/retweets, etc.).

One of the main reasons I don’t like sharing a lot (online or in real life) is because I don’t trust easily. How do I know that the personal stuff I’ve just told someone won’t be spread around and I end up being ridiculed and humiliated? I don’t think you can ever know for sure because you never know how a relationship will turn out. One day you’re close friends/confidantes and the next you can be sworn enemies. You can never predict the results of a fallout.

My trust/sharing issue is something I want to work on. Like with social media, what you put in is what you will get out of it. The main way to get close to a person is to open up and let them see your vulnerabilities. But at the same time, it’s so important to be careful. Getting to really know someone before sharing extremely personal stuff may save you some heartache and embarrassment in the long run. There used to be a time when personal affairs were indeed personal. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately, today we think nothing of airing our business (or anyone else’s).

Does it take a long time before you’re comfortable sharing personal info with others? Do you share a lot of things online?

J

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I Need A Vacation

May 6th, 2012

Happy May!

I’m taking a trip to San Antonio, TX in a few days and between all the packing and running to the store for things to take with me, I started thinking about how important vacations can be mentally. During school and in college I took breaks for granted. The 2 or 3 weeks for winter break and the 3 months for summer were just times for me to either sleep in late or work more and earn extra $. I even miss Fall Break. A four-day weekend just because it’s fall? Awesome indeed. Now because I’m grown, working, and it’s not so easy to take time off, I really value my time away from work. I’m looking forward to my little vacation not only because I’m getting away from home and seeing a city for the first time, but because I think it’s important to unplug from everyday humdrum life for a minute and clear your mind.

With all of that being said I started thinking about other places I’d like to visit sometime in the future. One of the countries I’ve wanted to visit for a long time is Italy. I don’t know why but I think it’s a beautiful place.  Within the US, I’ve got three places I’d really like to see.

1. Santa Barbara, CA – Being a native Californian (Los Angeles), I have an affection for it and I think it’s a wonderful state. Santa Barbara just seems so cool, relaxed, and I love the Spanish architecture! It’s a nice sized city but not nearly as busy and bustling as L.A.

2. Sanibel Island, FL – One word: seashells!  I’ve read that this place has the best seashells along its coast. I absolutely love collecting them. I’ve only been to Florida once and that was 15 years ago. I know a few people who say there’s not much to do in Florida but I think that’s why I’d want to go. Relaxing by the ocean…what’s better than that?

3. Maine (not sure what city) – I really want to see the lighthouses and try the seafood (especially the lobster). And I’d like to visit the easternmost point in the entire country..for some odd reason I find that fascinating.

I know these are some random places to want to visit but one thing I’ve noticed about them all is that they’re fairly relaxed and laid-back. I guess that’s what I’m really looking for when I’m away from home.

What are some places you’d like to visit? Is there any particular reason you’re interested in them?

J

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A Microwave Society

April 24th, 2012

 

I’m a very impatient person. Always have been and probably always will be. I wish I possessed the trait of patience, because it could save me a lot of grief. With the internet, apps, and all of the little gadgets we use in our everyday lives, I’ve been thinking of how we’ve become a snappy and impatient culture over the past few decades.

Granted, I don’t think I was around when the microwave became a popular kitchen item, but I’d venture to say that it was a giant step towards our society wanting things in thirty seconds or less. With a microwave, taking a significant chunk of time to cook a meal becomes unnecessary. Just pop the dinner in for five minutes and voila! You’ve got dinner. Often times the meal tastes just as good as if you’d cooked it over the stove and for a fraction of the time. Now I’m far from a food snob but I try to stay away from processed and microwave food as much as I can. I enjoy fresh food and I like the process of cooking. But then I understand some people truly are busy and some hate cooking so I suppose it is a perfect solution for some.

Following microwaves were cell phones (eliminating the need to take time out finding a pay phone) and the internet. The internet has revolutionized everything we do, from socializing to shopping to paying bills. Information on virtually anything you can think of is at your fingertips. And with the evolution from dial-up to broadband/cable websites load so fast that it has been said the average reader will move on to another site if it hasn’t loaded in roughly 5 seconds! I think that’s a crazy statistic but I know how true it is. There are too many other sites to waste time waiting for one to connect.

I’m pretty active on Twitter now, but if you told me about 6 months ago I’d have anything more than a fleeting interest in the site I’d have laughed in your face. I thought the idea of sharing random tidbits was stupid and even worse was the 140 character limit. What in the world can you say in 140 characters? (I thought).  But I drank the Twitter kool-aid. Sure it’s amusing to read the random thoughts of celebrities but I also subscribe to a few news sites. And it’s nice to get news without all of the expository info and editorializing that typically goes on in news articles. I think the character limit was an awesome idea because it eliminates a lot of BS. Information tends to be pretty cut, dry, and to the point.

Ironically, given that people my age are the ones who barely remember life before computers and want results and info quickly, we have been the slowest to grow up. It’s taking longer to settle into jobs/careers and to form relationships, get married, and have children. I think many of us are looking at lives like we do websites that are trying to load. We’re not willing to expend much time being patient waiting for results when we realize there are so many other opportunities out there (and if we don’t see them, we create them ourselves). It’s like the world is our internet and we’ll keep clicking till we find what we want.

Are you a patient person? Do you ever wish for a return to simpler and slower days?

J

 

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The F-Word (Friends)

April 17th, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

Being naturally reserved and an introvert, one of my biggest challenges has been making friends. When I was a kid, activities where we had to partner up with someone were the bane of my existence. I’d always be one of the stragglers. You know, one of the kids left awkwardly standing around while everyone else is looking on with a mix of pity and smugness. Then the teacher makes you form a partnership, and the awkwardness is compounded by the fact that you’ve probably never spoken to each other before. I’ll digress before I really start reliving my elementary school days.

Anyhow, as I grew older I became a little more outgoing and found myself making more friends. In junior high my life revolved around my little group of friends. Passing notes in class, AOL Instant Messenger when we got home, and parties on the weekends. Silly us, we thought we’d stay the best of friends for the rest of our lives. Once in high school, we began growing apart when we met tons of new people and really started thinking about our futures.

Back then I thought of these people as my friends. And maybe they were. Sometimes, for no reason at all, there are those who just disappear from your life. Then there are relationships that last through high school, college, moving to different cities, marriage, babies, etc. Today I’m a lot more careful in using the term “friend”. We have to have a really strong relationship for me to consider a person a friend. That’s one of my gripes with Facebook, the way it refers to those on your list as “friends”. These may be folks you haven’t talked to in years or if you saw them in real life you’d be grasping at straws to have a conversation.

Social media, not just Facebook, lets you keep up with someone’s life without ever uttering a word to them. Instead of asking a person how they’re doing, just check on their profile or their Twitter feed. I’ve done it too so I’m not knocking it but it’s weird how we think of ourselves as a more connected society yet we probably have less interaction than ever before.

One of the things (among many ;) ) that sucks about being an adult is that it’s so much harder to meet people and make friends. It’s work making time to socialize. Very different from school, where you’re surrounded by others your age and who you probably have something in common with.

How do you define friendship? Do you consider yourself to have many friends?

J

 

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Pearls on the Seashore

April 10th, 2012

Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it. – Chinese proverb

Right now I’m facing the point where I’ve been writing as a hobby for a while (I do short stories, poetry, and essays in addition to this blog) and I’m getting the itch to start submitting my work to magazines and journals. But what’s the the big obstacle standing in my way? That nine letter word known as REJECTION!

I admit, I hate the idea of being rejected (who doesn’t?). I think people my age may have had a particularly hard time dealing with it for one big reason. When we were little kids, participating in sports and other types of competitions, everybody got an award. Just for being on the team. Even if you pretty much sucked. While coaches, parents, and teachers might have thought they were doing us a favor by not distinguishing those who were truly spectacular and actually deserved an award or trophy, they really weren’t. Because it tended to instill in us this idea that no matter how bad you are, you deserve a reward for just showing up and being on the team.  Flash forward ten or fifteen years. Many millenials struggle with the fact that they are required to prove themselves in order to get jobs or opportunities. No more just showing up and getting a pat on the back.

Growing up with this kind of philosophy may be part of my problem. But perfectionism is an issue for me as well. I don’t like doing something unless I know I can succeed. Unfortunately this has stopped me from pursuing many opportunities because I didn’t like the idea I may fail. With writing it’s always hard showing others my work because I’m afraid I’ll get laughed and told it’s horrible. But then I’ve realized sharing my work (or taking chances in general) is like getting a vaccination. Once you’re exposed to it you build a tolerance and you become immune to the disease. The more I allow people to read my work and the more I submit pieces to be published, the less I’m likely to be stung by rejection or criticism.

In my case fear of rejection or failure mostly applies to writing. But there are so many more areas where it can hold you back. A friendship or relationship can begin just by taking a chance and initiating conversation.  Taking a solo trip may never leave the wishful thinking stage if you’re afraid to be alone in a different environment.

I suppose if things were easy it wouldn’t feel so good once you get what you want.

Are you afraid of rejection or failure? How do you deal with it?

J

 

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Burnout!

April 3rd, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

I follow Forbes on Twitter and yesterday they posted an article about ways millenials can avoid suffering from burnout. Being a millenial who suffered from academic exhaustion a few years ago, I feel I can relate. Anyway, some of the ways to avoid this trap include: knowing your threshold, prepare for melancholy moods, nurture the soul, determine your purpose, and possess self-awareness.

Millenial/Gen-Y burnout being of interest to me, I naturally decided to do some research. An interesting tidbit I read about it is that it can happen when you have a smorgasbord of opportunities in your face. And I can see this being very true. Now it’s acceptable to look for a job that inspires and provides purpose, as opposed to just paying the bills. We have chances to study abroad and travel the world, things that may not have been provided so easily to previous generations. But with so many options, there is a dark side. Can it be that we have so much in front of us that we get into everything aimlessly until exhaustion sets in and we collapse?

Looking at these tips, I think they can apply to areas of one’s life outside of academics/careers. For instance, in my case, trying to get healthy and lose weight. I’m finally seeing results but I have to admit it hasn’t been easy. When you’re working out hard, cutting out sweets and fast food, and still only losing a few ounces, it’s tempting to want to throw in the towel. Undergoing this process of getting in shape is just as much mental as it is physical, maybe even more so.

I’ve had to determine my threshold and then keep pushing when it’s been reached. I know there are going to be days when I get on the scale thinking I’ve lost two pounds and barely lost one. After the gym, I like to shower and relax with a cup of tea (usually peppermint) while I write or get on the internet. I have a purpose for totally changing my diet and becoming a gym rat: I want to be healthy and feel good about the way I look. And finally I’m aware of myself. I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not.

Burnout happens in relationships, at work, school, pursuing dreams and goals, and I’m sure several different areas. The gist of these burnout tips (in my opinion) is to just calm down and regroup. It’s not the end of the world if you get exhausted and need a break. I wish I would have known this three years ago when I left grad school, I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. :)

Have you ever suffered burnout? How did you recover?

J

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It’s not premarital sex if you never get married…

March 26th, 2012

Seems like every time I get on Facebook, I see either an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or a profile with a new last name added, with the maiden name sometimes in parentheses. Some of my Facebook friends I’ve known since we were in junior high, so it’s kinda weird seeing people get married and having children. Really cements the fact that we are adults. Anyway, I’m always happy for anyone who’s found someone they want to make the huge commitment of marriage with, but there’s a part of me that questions whether marriage will ever be the choice for me.

Right now I’m preoccupied with myself and my interests so marriage doesn’t hold much interest for me at the moment. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone but then I worry how much of my independence I’ll have to give up. If I want to go away for a weekend, will it seem mean if I don’t want any company? If I want to spend an evening writing, will my husband be offended? These questions sound trivial, but I’ve seen and heard of small issues between partners ballooning into big ones.

Then there’s the idealistic and romantic side of me that can’t wait until I meet someone that wants to share a home and life with me.

There are so many articles in magazines about how people in their 20s are forgoing marriage and have an increasingly cynical view of the institution. If that’s the case I can’t tell by my buddies on FB. If there is a pessimistic view of marriage I think it’s because we see so many people getting divorced in a year or two because there was no thought put into it. Several are obsessed with the idea of marriage but don’t realize there’s more to it than fancy wedding dresses, huge rings, and exotic honeymoons. On top of that, some people look for their spouse to make them whole. “You complete me” was a cute line in Jerry Maguire but it can be downright annoying when practiced in real life. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy, depending on them for everything.

One of my goals for this year is to focus on becoming my own woman. Not because I’m waiting to get married but because I think it’s important to know who I am and what I want in life. By the time I get myself squared away I’ll be ready to not only let someone in my world but enter theirs.

What do you think of marriage? When do you think you’ll be ready (emotionally) to walk down the aisle?

J

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Invisible (Wo)Man

March 20th, 2012

 

A few summers ago I read the novel Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. It was published in the early 1950s, on the cusp of notable events such as the Civil Rights Movement and the Red Scare (Communism). The novel follows a young and educated black man, whose name is never revealed. The story begins with him as a student at a southern college but following a series of crazy events he is kicked out of the school. He moves to New York City and becomes involved with communism and black nationalism. Throughout the novel he suffers humiliation and struggles with never being looked at as a human being (this is why I believe his name is never given). The story is told in flashbacks  and the narrator comes to release the hatred and hurt he had carried around for so long by telling his tale.

This isn’t a book review or critique; instead I want to look at the term “Invisible Man” and how change can come about and statements can be made simply by sharing one’s experiences. Often times it’s easy to feel as if there’s no way you can make a change or any kind of imprint on the world. After all you’re just one person. I know I’ve felt this way on several occasions, whether it’s wondering why anyone would be interested in reading what I’ve written or doubting the value in signing petitions and fighting for causes I believe in. It’s so much easier to succumb to The Powers That Be and figure there is no hope. But then I realize that even though a cause or movement may have a face attached to it, they didn’t do it by themselves. Instead they had several nameless people behind them, not worrying about making a name for themselves but determined to have their say. This has made me stand up for issues I feel strongly about, from littering to birth control.

I admit, a few days ago I thought about ending my blog. I enjoy writing it but I wish it was like one of those huge blogs everyone knows. Of course I’ve only been writing for two months so I guess I have to be a little patient on that front. But then, like the narrator of Invisible Man, I realized how much this blog has helped me grow. I’ve become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and writing with the world. And the comments I’ve gotten from acquaintances saying how much they like it and can relate to some of the things I talk about is just really awesome. If the random thoughts floating through my head that manage to make it on to this site is a help to anyone…well that’s a great feeling, it really is. It just reminds me that you can inspire and help in ways you may not even know. And no matter how small your say or imprint is, it’s there :) .

Have you ever learned a valuable lesson just from listening to someone’s story or experience?

J

P.S. Happy Spring!

 

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Spring Cleaning

March 13th, 2012

 

I think spring is finally here! It’s been in the mid-70s and sunny for the past few days. Combine that with Daylight Savings Time starting and the days have been so long and fun I barely want to come in. If I sound giddy over spring it’s because I am. Spring is my favorite time of year. Flowers are blooming and it hasn’t gotten so hot it’s uncomfortable yet.

Besides my battles with hay fever, the only thing I dislike about spring is the idea of spring cleaning. I grew up having to do it every year and if you know me you know how much I hate spending a nice chunk of my day cleaning, though I appreciate how clean and fresh everything feels once I’m done. While I’ll probably be taking one of these weekends to get rid of old clothes, books, and doodads I’ve accumulated over the past few months I’m going to do be doing some mental and emotional spring cleaning as well.

I find it easy to hold on to sad and mean feelings (I’m sure I’m not the only one). There have been slights, no matter how small and inadvertent, that have led me to hold silent grudges and be angry for months. I’ve been working on letting go of petty stuff, either be writing about or talking about it (in some cases to that person, other times not). Whatever I do, I’m learning how to do deal with what’s made me upset, as opposed to keeping it bottled up and it manifesting in potentially self-destructive ways.

I have a few goals and plans for this year and I can’t dedicate my focus to them if I’m caught up in nonsense and inconsequential stuff. With sites like Facebook and Twitter where you can keep up with people’s lives without even having to talk to them, it takes no effort at all to fall into a web of comparing your life to others’ and getting caught up in gossip and mess. I enjoy Twitter more than Facebook but I’m going to try my hardest to limit my time on both of them.

I’m going to trash these bad habits so I have more time to devote to hobbies I enjoy and make me a happier person, such as working out, being outside, reading and writing.

By the way, kind of random but I just read a good article from Forbes Magazine titled “How to Make Twentysomethings Happy”. Talks about millenials in the workplace…definitely worth checking out.

Are there any bad habits or tendencies you want to get rid of in the near future?

J

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You’ve Got That Look

March 8th, 2012

I’ve had a thought on my mind for the past few days and I guess this is the place to expound on it right?

If there’s one thing that kind of gets under my skin, it’s when people presume things about me based on my looks. Now I know about stereotypes and prejudices and I know they’re basically unavoidable. I feel a bit odd writing about it because I do it to people all the time. It’s so easy to assume what kind of person someone dates, dietary choices (i.e. vegan/vegetarian), political leanings, etc. just by taking their physical appearance in.

For instance, I’m a pretty quiet person and I enjoy reading, so I’m always asked why I’m not a librarian. I worked in a library during college and while I enjoyed my job for the most part, I could not see myself ever being a librarian. There is so much more to that job than most people think (I didn’t even know you had to have a Masters in Library Science to be one!) and I quickly crossed that off my list of potential careers. Or people will tell me what kind of guy I should date based on my appearance and how I carry myself. Or if I’m having a conversation and mention that I don’t club much, I’ve become a lonely spinster who sits at home and stares out the window at everyone having fun. Not that I don’t enjoy nightclubs when I go but I didn’t realize they were mandatory for having an interesting life.

These are relatively small issues but don’t you think it’s weird how we quickly form preconceived notions of a person based on things such as how they wear their hair and clothes, how they talk, their job, even a name? Assumptions can be so powerful that we don’t even deem it necessary to get to know someone. It can be said that different sides of a personality are often hidden until we reach a level of comfort but we often have tunnel vision when it comes to meeting new people. It’s easier for you to fit into my view of what you should be. Maybe that’s why we have a hard time dealing with people who defy stereotypes and expectations. Because they’re hard to understand and categorize. So what’s the easier option? Castigate and ostracize them for their looks and personality not matching up with the puzzle I’m trying to fit them into.

What are some things people assume about you?

J

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