You say goodbye (2012) and I say hello (2013)

December 24th, 2012

Goodbye 2012 Hello 2013Happy Holidays!!

I can’t believe it’ll be a year January 1 since I started this blog! Thanks to everyone who has read and/or left comments I really do appreciate it :) .

I say this every year, but this year has truly flown by. It’s been a big year for our society, with a lot of hot-button issues like women’s rights and gun control being brought to the forefront. It’s been an even bigger year for me though. As you may have read in some of my previous posts, I struggled with who I wanted to be after graduating college, professionally and personally. Right now, at the age of 26, I can finally say I think I’ve made peace with my life and the direction it’s going in. I learned how to cut off people that weren’t adding anything to my life. I’ve learned how to speak up for myself and not let anyone walk all over me or take advantage. I’ve learned how to not to give a f*** about what people (especially ones I’m not cool with) think about me, which has been difficult because that requires a lot of confidence and a brashness that I was definitely not born with. I’ve learned how to not be afraid and take advantage of opportunity when it comes my way. I’ve learned how to indulge in the hobbies and interests I enjoy no matter what others think or have to say about it. I’ve learned how to realize quickly when it’s not going to work between me and a guy and I let go more easily now.

I’m not going to set any New Years’ resolutions this time around because by February they are already broken. I have a few personal goals, but my main one is to keep working on myself and become a better and more fulfilled person. And to blog more ;)

What have you learned this past year? What goals/resolutions do you have for 2013?

J

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The Dark Side of the Moon

November 24th, 2012

I”m back! I’ve been meaning to blog for weeks but my priorities have changed a bit. My workload and schedule is different and I’m finding myself having to make a concentrated effort to write. It’ll be a year for this blog in January (yay!) and I’ve debated whether I should end it at the end of the year. I started this blog because I had a lot to say about life after college and the things I (and I’m sure a few others) go through during their mid-20s. And, partially because I have little time on my hands to spare, I started feeling I had run out of good thoughts to blog. But lately I’ve been feeling inspired again so here we go :) …

My last post, back in September, I mentioned a new show that I was going to try to check out called underemployed.  One day I ended up watching it….and found myself bored and ready to turn the channel after five minutes. Unfortunately I couldn’t find my remote so I watched the full episode. My issue with the show wasn’t that it was bad, I just really can’t relate anymore. Because this show is in a similar vein to many of my posts this past year (i.e. what do I really want to do with my life?, can I really pursue writing or is it just a folly?) I told myself that if I found the show unrelatable then that would mean I had changed, grown a little. And in a small way my growth has scared me.

I called this post “the dark side of the moon” because it’s a part of the moon that you never see. These past few months I’ve noticed a change in myself that I’ve never seen and never envisioned. I’m starting to enjoy business, an area that I’ve never enjoyed previously. I feel my free-spirited ways giving way to a Type A personality. I haven’t had the time to write in weeks and for the first time, started considering it a silly hobby that I’d probably put away.

The problem that I was dealing with was that who I was becoming was not reconciling with who I wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to be a free-spirit  spending my days writing. But I’m starting to learn that professional growth is not necessarily a bad thing and may be worth embracing. I’m realizing that life is not black and white, one does not have to do or be just one thing. It’s okay to have a professional life and pursue creativity on the side.

Even though I’m not in that stage of being a wet-behind-the-ears college graduate anymore, I’m still finding myself gradually adjusting to being an adult. Not in the physical sense of taking care of myself and going to work everyday, but mentally becoming independent and deciding how I want to spend my time and live my life.

As beautiful as the moon is, I’m willing to look past the moonlight and embrace the dark side ;)

Have  you ever grown or changed in ways you would’ve never imagined? How did that make you feel?

J

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Sticks and Stones Hurt. How About Words?

September 22nd, 2012

Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me.

How many of us heard this saying while growing up? Most likely from a well-meaning parent trying to soothe a child’s ego bruised from a nasty insult on the playground. We memorized the little rhyme, using it as a retort to our taunters and bullies. And while some may be able to turn themselves into teflon for others words hurt. Even if it’s just a tiny bit.

We’re living in a time when people are becoming less concerned about being politically correct and instead saying some of the nastiest and most vitriolic things they can think of. There’s commentators calling women who use birth control “sluts”. Politicians trying to differentiate between rape and “legitimate rape”, as if one is justifiable. Teenagers are killing themselves because of nasty comments and messages they receive on Facebook and Twitter. It’s almost as if there’s some unwritten contest who can use their tongue in the most spiteful way.

I’ve seen the same people claim several times they don’t give a f*** about what people think and I honestly think they’re mostly trying to convince themselves more than anyone else. If you really don’t care there’s no need to make a show of it. Anyway, I’m digressing. Typically what someone says is what they believe. And how easy is it to convince others to think or feel a certain way? It’s a phenomenon seen everyday at schools and workplaces everywhere.

The problem with words is when you start to believe the things said about you. Whether it’s insults designed to bring you down or intensely flattering words gassing your head up, it’s important to filter out all of that stuff and just try to really get to know yourself. I don’t think it’s ever easy learning to ignore the white noise of chatter and gossip. It’s something I still struggle with to this day.

Likewise, with societal issues (such as women’s rights and cyberbullying), I think it’s important to be informed and make your own opinions. Determining core personal beliefs doesn’t allow one to be so swayed by some of the foolishness that is on the internet and TV on a daily basis.

Do you have a way of dealing with other people’s opinions? Have you ever had an insult or compliment that had a profound effect on your attitude or personality?

J

 

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At the Crossroads

September 17th, 2012

I turn 26 this Friday. When people have been asking me how old I will be and I tell them, the most common response I get is, “Wow you’re a step away from being 30!” I alternate between looking forward to my entrance into my third decade of life with excitement and some reticience. It’s exciting because I’ve always felt like a little kid in my family (my brother is seven years older) and I’m finally being looked at as real adult. It’s a little scary because 30 always seemed so far away and suddenly it’s not.

When you turn 18 you’re legally an adult and can make many decisions. When you turn 21 you can drink, go into a casino, and various other things. But for some reason, after you hit 25 that’s when it hits like an anvil that you’re truly grown. By then you’re living on your own (or making plans to), buying a car on your own, settling into a real job, getting into serious relationships, and maybe even getting married and having children.

If there is a slight change in the tide once you hit 25 (quarter-life crisis!), turning 26 is a bit more calming. In the past year (and I’ve documented it a little in my past posts), I’ve dealt with external and internal pressures. Pressure from myself to realize what I really wanted to do with my life, to fight against what’s been expected of me all my life. I’ve also dealt with subtle pushing from well-meaning people on getting married and starting a family. I definitely want to settle down, but now I realize it has to be on my time and no one else’s.

Reflecting on this past year I’ve been through a lot. I’ve gotten in much better shape (physically and mentally) and I’ve come to like my life and what it has turned out to be. The plan I had 5 or 6 years ago didn’t come to fruition but I’m finally okay with it. I think I am much happier now than I would have been had I been trying to stick to a plan I made one day in a business class. I used to compare my life to all of my friends and acquaintances and thought there’s was so much better. But I’ve stopped, because I’ve become aware that, despite the happy pics and fun-filled status updates, everyone has personal trials and struggles and it’s so much easier to think someone else’s grass is greener than yours.

Recently I saw a commercial for a new show on MTV titled “underemployed”. In a nutshell it’s about a couple of overachieving college students who go out in the real world and end up with crappy jobs and apartments, far different from the heights they thought they would reach. This may be a decent show and I may watch if I’m bored, but it’s not something I can relate to anymore. A few months ago, definitely. Today, I feel as if the quarter-life post-grad early-20s angst and confusion is in my past. I’m not sure what it’s been about turning 26 but I feel as if my life is finally in perspective.

Is there a certain age you reached where you felt secure in yourself and what you wanted?

J

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sitting at the table with the cool kids.

August 31st, 2012

It starts early, like around preschool or kindergarten. There are some kids that the other little ones gravitate towards, almost like they are wearing a magnet on their OshKosh overalls. Throughout elementary school they are the first to get picked in gym for dodgeball. They’re the ones everyone want to partner with for the science project.

By junior high their coolness ensures that their table in the cafeteria is the coolest, the one that wannabes aspire to or the other kids mock because of their perceived superficiality. They’re so cool they hobnob with eighth graders while they’re still wet-behind-the-ears sixth graders.

In high school they’re a shoo-in for prom king/queen and they are popular with every grade level. Those younger than them want to cross their radar and be deemed cool enough to join them while those older approve and become quick friends. You would think by the time you put on your cap and gown the madness would come to an end. But it doesn’t.

Does the “cool kids table” become obsolete with age?

As much as I’d like to say that it does, that as you advance through your twenties and beyond, and become consumed with a job, relationship, hobbies, etc., that being perceived as “cool” and getting caught up in a clique is low on one’s priority list, many times it is not. Even grown folk can get swept up in the idea of being popular and trying to accumulate 1000 friends on Facebook. It may be someone who never managed to snag a seat at the coveted table when they were younger so they’re making up for it now. Or possibly it’s someone who did have the experience of being a Queen Bee in their younger years and don’t want to give it up.

Whoever and whatever the scenario may be, what I’d like to know is, what makes a person cool? What is it about a person’s essence or their personality that has other people imitating and trying to impress them? What is that je nais sais quoi?

I wouldn’t know. I was never a cool kid and I don’t necessarily think I’m a cool adult now. Though I’ve been friendly with popular people throughout the years, I never figured out what it was about them that made them different from any other person. The thing I noticed was that many of them came from well-off families and were fairly attractive. But there were people who possessed those qualities and could be considered outcasts. And there are several people who are popular but don’t come from money. So what is it?

I’d like to know because in my naive way of thinking, I believed this kind of thing went away after graduating from school. But now I know that it doesn’t. The “real world” is basically just high school with grown-ups, I’ve discovered (though my dad tried to warn me years ago).

Were you a “cool” kid when you were in school? Do you have any idea what makes some people popular?

J

 

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Why So Serious?

August 16th, 2012

For the past month or so I have had a bit of writer’s block. I don’t know whether it’s been the hot weather or being distracted by work but I have not been able to put any thoughts on paper. This is the first time in the seven months since I have been writing this blog that this has happened.  It’s strange yet I suppose it happens to most writers/bloggers from time to time.

That being said, the wheels in my head have been spinning with random thoughts. An idea that came to me one day is derived from the line “Why so serious?” from the movie The Dark Knight. I love when the Joker says this, it’s so dark and mocking. Why do we take things so seriously that don’t mean that much? For example, why does it matter if someone doesn’t like you? Does this change your personality or who you are? Why care if someone your age is married and has children and you’re single? They might be looking at you thinking you’re the lucky one. It is amazing how we get easily bogged down with the things that really don’t matter.

Why is it so easy to look back and get depressed about what could have happened instead of enjoying what’s going on now? Years ago I’d planned on turning my back on Indianapolis and moving to Manhattan and being a high-rolling attorney. I still may move to the East Coast sometime in the future, but for now I’m more than happy in Indy with my friends and family. Sure my life didn’t end up like the five year plan I had to fill out in one of my business classes but the bigger question is, am I happy, fulfilled, and satisfied? My answer is yes.

Some people have this crazy ability to shrug and let stuff slide off their back like water. Yes, inevitably thoughts will cross your mind, but these folk don’t let it weigh them down for long. They don’t make some big show of taking the high road (which is usually done by one loudly proclaiming they are taking the high road). They just ignore it, because they recognize the futility in acknowledging nonsense.

I think having the ability to not take trifling matters seriously comes from having confidence and security in one’s self. Knowing who you are, what you like, and what you want to do can keep you from getting caught up in the minutiae of other people’s lives and trying to live up to someone else’s standards. Not being “so serious” also allows you to enjoy your life for what it is and not what it coulda, shoulda, and oughta been.

Do you take small matters to heart? What is something that’s not worth your time thinking about? Do you ever regret any of your decisions?

J

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Young, Gifted, and Black

July 2nd, 2012

To be young, gifted, and black
Oh what a lovely precious dream
To be young, gifted, and black
Open your heart to what I mean

I first heard the phrase “young, gifted, and black” my freshman year at Indiana University. It was considered a laudatory term, one in which several of us bestowed upon ourselves with pride. There was a Facebook group for those who considered themselves to belong to this prestigious group. I joined with no hesitation. I hate to sound “braggy” and I apologize if I do, but I had been told my whole life how smart I was. I had the grades and the admission to a highly regarded research university to prove it. The world was my oyster and I could do or be anything I wanted to be. When I told people I had just entered college, their faces lit up, as if they were pondering all of the possibilities for my life and career. Looking back at pictures from my first few months at school I had this look too. I was so excited, unknowing of where these four years would lead me.

In the whole world you know
There are billion boys and girls
Who are young, gifted, and black
And that’s a fact!

I spent my first semester attending so many club meetings and participating in groups. I was so excited to be around people that looked like me who were excited to get the best education they could. No more snickering when I spoke because I apparently pronounced words too correctly. No more being ostracized for simply being smart and interested in school. I met so many great people in college, from so many different places and with interesting life stories. People that I would’ve never imagined I would meet.

Young, gifted, and black
We must begin to tell our young
There’s a world waiting for you
This is a quest that’s just begun

As I advanced through college, finally settling on a major, I realized so many of the plans I’d made before wouldn’t come to pass. Because I did not want them to. I’ve always been a safe and cautious person and one of the riskiest (yet most satisfying) things I’ve ever done is learn how to truly embrace my personality and my interests, instead of denying it because I thought it was “too weird”. I became a little happier inside when I chucked the plan that most people (and even me) believed to be the most lucrative and worthy of my education. If there’s anyone who’s just entering college or about to in a few years reading this, the best piece of advice I could give is to learn to live your own life. Figure out what you want and believe, independent of what everyone around you thinks.

When you feel really low
Yeah, there’s a great truth you should know
When you’re young, gifted, and black
Your soul’s intact

I think my lowest point of college was actually when I was graduating (Ha!). Because it was over. Four years had gone by, I was almost 23, and I was expected to have everything together. And outwardly I was able to look as if I did. But inside I was very scared. I suppose I was having the “quarter life crisis”, where you realize it’s really time to cut the strings tied to your parents and be an adult for real. Although it took some time and a brief stint in grad school I got myself straightened out. And the world didn’t come to an end. I may have been a little bruised during my nadir but overall I was okay.

Young, gifted, and black
How I long to know the truth
There are times when I look back
And I am haunted by my youth

Today, at nearly 26, I look back on my childhood. Some things I recall happily, others I don’t. While I understand why my parents wanted to nurture my intelligence and I certainly appreciate them encouraging me and pushing me to my full potential, I feel as if there was a double-edged sword there. I now feel that being considered “young, gifted, and black” had been a burden on my shoulders. I feel as if the most notable thing about me was my smarts. That’s how I was defined for many years. I was a smart girl who was expected to be the standout and be a doctor, lawyer, or businesswoman. And while that’s all well and good, much of my essence was stifled. I wasn’t really encouraged to pursue many interests, just “get those grades”.  Let me be clear, I’m not blaming my parents or anyone else for this. I could have decided to pursue things on my own so I share responsibility. But looking back on all these years this is how I feel.

Oh but my joy of today
Is that we can all be proud to say
To be young, gifted, and black
Is where it’s at

This post is based on the song “To Be Young, Gifted, and Black” by Nina Simone (the italicized phrases are the lyrics) Being “young, gifted, and black” is a very complex thing. On one hand it’s a title we wear with pride. But I also believe that it can be quite much, because it comes with much responsibility. Those who wear it are expected to become the notables of their respective generation, the movers and shakers.

Do you consider yourself to be “young, gifted, and black”? Have you ever felt as if you had great expectations to live up to?

J

Image source: www.rememberthetitan.com

 





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A Dream Deferred

				June 19th, 2012 

				

					
“What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up – like a raisin in the sun?”

Langston Hughes, “A Dream Deferred”


This is from one of my favorite poems by Langston Hughes and was the source of the title of the play by Lorraine Hansberry (if you don’t get a chance to see it you should definitely read it!). Anyway, this question always strikes me as sad, because it gives you an idea of what can happen when you don’t pursue a goal or a dream – it eventually dries up and becomes nothing.


Growing up, many times you’re told a bunch of platitudes such as “dream big”, “you can be anything you want to be”, and “reach for the stars”. And then the older you get, something happens. The message begins to change. You’re told to be more realistic and to understand your chances of becoming an astronaut who makes a trip into space are rather small. This may be true, but why not try anyway? Life is long, you can always find something else to do in case you don’t make it on to the International Space Station.


The 20s are supposed to be the decade in which you are carefree and free-spirited. After all, many of us don’t have the responsibilities of a marriage or family yet.  I am one of the many trying different hobbies and interests. I write, take classes occasionally, work out, travel, and generally enjoy doing whatever whenver I want. But as much as we are urged to be free before life becomes Serious, I can’t help but feel a sting whenever I’m asked when I’m going to get married and have children. I read an article yesterday cautioning twentysomethings not to make the mistake of wasting their prime childbearing years. I understand the logic, that it’s easier for women to have babies before a certain age. But I was still a bit turned off from the article. If I have children I want to do it after I’ve pursued some of my personal goals and spent a few years getting to know myself. I wouldn’t want to resent my kids because I feel like they are preventing me from doing whatever it is I want to do.


What I’m trying to say is, we’re told two different things. We’re told to dream big and aim low. In the same breath we’re celebrated for being transient and open to anything then we’re chastised for being self-absorbed, irresponsible, and no interest in settling down. Do we let what people say lead us to defer our dreams until they become nothing? Or do we just say fuck it, and do what we want anyway?


What are your dreams? Are you scared/nervous to pursue them?


J


 


 


 


 


*Photo of raisins: www.ifood.tv


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Let’s Meet for Coffee

				June 4th, 2012 

				

					
One thing I hate doing is making empty promises. I usually do this to myself, like when I tell myself I’m going to dedicate an entire weekend to cleaning and organizing or that I’m going to start reading a book a week. I love reading but I’ve been so busy with work and other things lately it’s hard for me to even get through a chapter much less an entire text.


Anywho, whenever I run into old friends or people I haven’t seen in a few years, after we briefly catch up and look each other over to see how much we’ve changed, inevitably we exchange phone numbers and promise to keep in touch or even get together for a drink. But typically that never happens. And I wonder, why is that? Is the promise to meet up simply out of politeness or is it that we don’t think this person fits into the new era of our lives and we aren’t going to even be bothered to try and see if the relationship can be rekindled?


I know I’ve been talking about Facebook lately but I do think it’s played a large part in how we view our past and the people in it. Pre-Facebook it was not unheard of to not hear from or see high school or college classmates until a reunion or you randomly run into them at Target. Now we can not only find people from kindergarten but we can keep up with the minutiae of their life. Being able to like statuses and comment on pictures provides an illusion that we have a closer connection with these people of our past than we really do. And it’s never more evident than when you’re actually face to face, struggling to come up with a graceful way to end the conversation.


Sure I’m fairly busy, but if this person was my friend then why can’t I squeeze in a few hours on a Saturday afternoon and meet at Starbucks? I think some of it’s us, that we’ve grown and changed and simply can’t relate to each other anymore than recounting memories. As enjoyable as high school or college may have been, the fact is is that it was years ago. New people and events have entered and shaped our lives and we’re all a little different now.


And then of course, this thought always crosses my mind, as callous as it may seem. If I haven’t talked to you in, let’s say five years, and my life is going great, were you really that important to me? What difference does it make now if we’ve run into each other? Falling out of touch with people makes you realize who really holds a place in your life.


How do you feel when you run into old friends or classmates? Do you ever stay in touch or get together?


J


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Sharing With Caution

				May 16th, 2012 

				

					
How much of yourself do you share with others?


With the popularity of reality TV, Facebook/Twitter, and gossip blogs, we don’t think very much of sharing or learning about the most intimate part of people’s lives. Showing pictures of a vacation used to be for family and friends but now, considering how easy it is to load pictures onto Facebook, Instagram, or other sites, they are for everyone to see, even people you’re barely acquainted with or haven’t talked to in years.


It’s fun being able to catch up with people’s lives without having to utter a word to them, but at the same time, there seems to be a dark side to lightly sharing your business. If I had a dime for every time I heard about Facebook or Twitter drama on TV and in real life, I wouldn’t need to work. Sometimes I think we get so comfortable and are used to hearing the daily goings-on of the people around us that we don’t realize everything doesn’t need to be posted.


I’ve been talking about friendships and relationships lately and I definitely have issues when it comes to sharing, I admit. On my Facebook I have probably five pictures posted. I post status updates but they’re mostly random thoughts (ha!) that pop in my head, never anything on my personal life. Of course I’ve heard that the more info you put out about yourself on these sites, the more you get out of them (whether it be more friend requests, comments/likes/retweets, etc.).


One of the main reasons I don’t like sharing a lot (online or in real life) is because I don’t trust easily. How do I know that the personal stuff I’ve just told someone won’t be spread around and I end up being ridiculed and humiliated? I don’t think you can ever know for sure because you never know how a relationship will turn out. One day you’re close friends/confidantes and the next you can be sworn enemies. You can never predict the results of a fallout.


My trust/sharing issue is something I want to work on. Like with social media, what you put in is what you will get out of it. The main way to get close to a person is to open up and let them see your vulnerabilities. But at the same time, it’s so important to be careful. Getting to really know someone before sharing extremely personal stuff may save you some heartache and embarrassment in the long run. There used to be a time when personal affairs were indeed personal. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately, today we think nothing of airing our business (or anyone else’s).


Does it take a long time before you’re comfortable sharing personal info with others? Do you share a lot of things online?


J


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