Thoughts of a Random Nature

Before I start let me preface by saying this. I put up this picture of a comet because I think it’s a beautiful and amazing sight. Even though this post is about human beauty and its effect in society, I just wanted to put this up instead

I was reading an article one day and the author was talking about the process of finding a job. A girl she knew had gotten a plum writing position and she argued that, despite the young woman’s credentials and education, the job had went to her mainly because she was attractive. This sparked serious outrage in the comment section but the author held her ground (which I commend her for). It was a bold statement that was met indignantly. How dare someone, in this day and age, declare that a pretty girl had gotten a job because she was good-looking? What about all of her more substantial attributes, such as her education, experience, and writing skills?

Not too surprisingly most of the anger came from women. But the theory of a woman getting ahead on her looks also came from a woman, which I found interesting. And I honestly can’t argue with her. I don’t like to admit it, but yes my first impressions often come from a person’s looks. If they’re more attractive I’m probably going to think higher of them than someone I find average or not so good-looking. I think the reason this comment touched a nerve is because there’s a stigma attached to a woman advancing due to her physical features. Some of us women (myself included) would rather our looks be the last thing a person focuses on. What about my intelligence, resume, personality, etc.? If I’m a writer how I look is not going to determine how I do my job.

I can’t speak for other women, but I sometimes have a hard time accepting my looks and how that’s probably helped me in life. I like the way I look but I’ve often heard mean things like “Oh she thinks she’s cute” and given the side-eye. And I won’t lie, it hurts occasionally. Especially if you’re not a person who thinks you’re all that. So what do you do? Well there’s only so much you can do because you can’t change how people think. But I try to be as nice as I can because it can sting when people are dismissive towards you and believe you’re a stuck-up bitch. I’ve seen women treat other women badly over something as trivial as having long hair (sad but true).

I think it’s interesting that beauty is both shunned and desired in our society. Those who are believed to be beautiful can find it hard to form relationships because others look at them as having glided through life on their looks. It’s desired because of the perks it may bring, such as attention and easier to get jobs or promotions.  For all of the mud the author of that article I read had thrown at her, she was right. No matter what, we as people are going to use looks as a determining factor in if we like someone, whether we hire them, etc. It may not be the only factor but it’s in there. And I think the reason so many women we’re upset was because they want to believe their other characteristics are more important. It touched a nerve that that woman came out and said what we all basically know. Some people get things (in this case a job) because they’re attractive. Point blank.

Do you think we as a society still place a huge importance on looks?

J

This post’s title is taken from the opening lines of Anna Karenina, one of my favorite novels. In its entirety it reads, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy its own way.” Even though this novel was written in the 19th century I think this quote can still speak to the dynamics of a family today.

Family is an interesting concept. In a way they’re almost like coworkers in that they aren’t people you would necessarily choose to be associated with but you learn to make the best of it and get along. Of all the things we can control we have no hand in what family we are born into. Sometimes I look at a family on a commercial or on a TV show and they’ll all be sitting around, having a good time and thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder why real family gatherings can’t be like that. Yes most families know how to come together for reunions, weddings, and (unfortunately) funerals but usually it’s nothing like what you see on the screen. In real life families come with secrets, idiosyncrasies, and deep issues that have been locked away in a closet to preserve the idea that everything is fine and that the family is perfect.

What makes a group of people a family then? Is it only based on blood relations or does the strong relationship you have with a person create a familial bond? I’ve often heard people say things such as their friends are their family or that they know a person that is close enough to them to be considered a sibling. In our society we believe a family to be a group that you can count on for support no matter what, to be there in the good times and bad. That there are some who form extremely close relationships with people they are not in any way related to I think kind of pokes holes through the “blood is thicker than water” adage. This is only my opinion but forming familial ties with friends may especially apply to the millenial generation, because with the way our culture and society is shifting, there are rather noticeable differences between the generations when it pertains to lifestyle preferences.

Back to the Anna Karenina quote. In a way I agree with it and in a way I don’t. I agree with the idea that all happy families would basically be the same: happy. But there can be a myriad of reasons why a family is struggling or extremely dysfunctional.  I disagree because I don’t know if a truly happy family exists. We as individuals have so many issues and things that we are going through and when you bring the family together and mix all of those things….well I’ll just say I think most families do their best to enjoy each other. And that’s really all you can do. Unfortunately there’s no screenwriter coming up with ways to make a dysfunctional family picture perfect and pretending they don’t have any problems (or if they do, they can be solved in minutes or hours). There will always be dysfunction and mess but you have to appreciate whatever you call your family, because things change and people go before you know it.

Do you believe you have a happy family? Have you ever formed a family-like relationship with your friends?

J

I have a horrible habit and I really just became aware of it recently. I rationalize and justify things I shouldn’t. For example, I’ll have a box of candy although I’m supposed to stay away from sweets because I’ll tell myself I’ve been eating well and exercising the whole week so I deserve a treat. I’ll spend a whole Saturday in bed when I should be cleaning or running errands and explain it away by thinking about the long week I had and how I just need one day of rest. It’s so easy to lie to myself but in the end what happens? I may be putting my health in jeopardy for some M&Ms and I’ve wasted a whole day, a day I could have spent being out and productive.

For some reason, it popped in my head that all of this rationalization is a defense mechanism. I don’t want to just come out and admit that I may not have the discipline I need when it comes to eating right or that I’m lazy and procrastinating so I tell myself something that makes me feel better and not like I’m a complete slacker. When I’ve sent messages to people and never got a response, I rationalized it in my head as though that person is just too busy to sit down and respond. This may have been true, I can’t say it’s not. But a part of me knows that there are very few people who don’t have five minutes to spare to sit and return an email. But it makes me feel better to believe that than to face the fact that, for whatever reason, there’s a strong chance they didn’t want to keep the conversation going.

I’m not trying to put all of the goings-on of my mind out there, but after doing some reading on defense mechanisms, I realized there are two others that I use: compartmentalization and repression. Unless you really know me, most of the time you won’t know something’s bothering me. For example, if I’m having a personal problem I don’t bring it to work and vice versa. I think of it as keeping the different foods on my plate from touching (I hate when that happens!). What’s going on outside of work stays there and work problems stay at work. It might sound weird to have parts of my life organized like a file cabinet but I do think it’s better that way. As far as repression goes, I’m not a very emotional person so it’s easy for me to squash feelings that I may have and ignore them. Unfortunately when you try to squish and push something down, eventually it comes back up so I think I need a better way.

This post is relatively personal but this blog is where I come to vent on my random thoughts so I figure this is the perfect place for this discussion.

What defense mechanisms, if any, do you use?

J

A few days ago I was given a box of white chocolate fortune cookies (may sound weird but they’re actually pretty good!). Usually, whenever I open a fortune cookie after eating Chinese food, I don’t pay attention to the “fortune”, which is typically not even a fortune but some random cliche or saying. But when I ate one the other night, the message inside, “Cherish the time you have to tell those how much you care.” touched a nerve.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the motions of everyday life and take those closest to us for granted. There are times when I’m friendlier to strangers or people I have a very superficial relationship with than friends or family. When you get comfortable around someone, it’s easier to let your grumpy or moody side show. A mere acquaintance? Then you’re putting your best foot forward. Kind of crazy, huh? As has been proven over several instances, people can be here today and gone tomorrow. I’m sure those who have lost someone close to them would give anything to be able to spend five minutes with that person, and then here I am, putting off calling or sending a message simply saying “Hi” because I’m too tired or busy.

This idea can extend beyond people you are close to. What about that person you haven’t talked to in a few months or years but they’re constantly crossing your mind? It doesn’t take anything to say hi and who knows, it might re-ignite a friendship. Unless the relationship ended on bad terms, most people find it a pleasant surprise to hear from someone they haven’ t talked to in a while (I know I do).

A common saying is “time is money” but time is much more than that. Money can be lost but it can also be earned back. The time you lose with someone you care or love is gone forever. It’s definitely making me start to think how I approach and treat my friendships and relationships. I don’t have much to say today but that one sentence on that fortune cookie touched me so I thought I’d share it

Are you careful to not take time and relationships for granted?

J

Today is February 15, 2012. I put 2012 in bold and italic because some of the recent headlines have got me thinking we’ve been transported back to the 1950s. The Komen Foundation reversed funding for Planned Parenthood, which many people believe was due to Planned Parenthood providing abortions (although they also provide several other services), the fury over the birth control mandate. Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum declaring that sex should only  be for procreation purposes, even between married couples. Politicians campaigning against birth control coverage.

For the past few weeks  I have been paying attention to the Republican primaries and I’ve noticed Santorum in particular has made social and culture issues his main focus as opposed to the others, who’ve been mostly stressing jobs and the economy. Why is he doing this? I have no idea, because I honestly think right now, in a country bouncing back from a recession, most people are more concerned with finding decent jobs than what two grown, consenting adults are doing in their bedroom. Santorum has stated that many of the problems in our culture are rooted in the moral decline of our country.  This may be true but is turning back the clock 50 years the answer? Instead of trying to take things back to the way they used to be, we should try to adapt to the culture we have now because there have been too many advancements made to pretend they don’t exist.

The Komen Foundation was thrown into the fire after cutting off funding for Planned Parenthood. Their official reason was that the latter was under federal investigation and it violates their rules to provide funding when this occurs. However it is well known that many of the top operatives of the organization are vehemently pro-life. Pro-life or pro-choice that’s your decision but Planned Parenthood does more than provide abortions. They offer health care for women who don’t have insurance and can’t go to the doctor. Unfortunately that tidbit’s often swept under the carpet.

Last week, I wrote letters to USA Today and the New York Times because I’m infuriated by my body being used in a political and cultural tug-of-war. With the new birth control law, I understand that no religion shouldn’t be made to prescribe birth control if they are against it. But yet we have to accept that many Catholic women do use birth control, and that is their right. Opponents of the new law claim it is violating their right to practice their religion.  My question is, how is that? How does a woman choosing to take birth control have anything to do with someone else? As I wrote in my letter, I think this goes beyond religion. I believe many don’t agree with birth control because they believe it allows women to engage in casual sex without consequence.

For whatever reason, perhaps its the puritanical history of our country, we connect morality with sexuality. Women are usually not encouraged to display their enjoyment of sex because then there’s the risk of being called a slut, a slore, or a woman with “loose morals”. Teen girls used to be advised to “keep their mouths closed and legs crossed” and if they didn’t and got pregnant, were sent away to a home for unwed mothers. What’s the lesson in all of this? That it’s not right to enjoy sex and if you do you’re bad. I always thought having morals was about knowing what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t know morals had anything to do with sexual feelings I may have and the choices I make when I’m intimate with someone. Glancing at the headlines in the past few weeks I think I was wrong.

Have you noticed the culture war brewing? Do you think, even in 2012, we connect morals and sex?

J

“Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face…”

These lyrics, from the song “Put on a Happy Face”, are a prime example of sunny American optimism. Is there anything wrong with looking at the bright side or seeing the glass half-full instead of half-empty? Of course not. Focusing on the positive is sometimes the key ingredient to getting through hard times. But does there come a point when it’s not positive thinking as much as it is creating delusions for yourself?

Recently I came across the book Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich. In this book she explores this idea in great detail and how the idea of only focusing on the positives has permeated throughout American culture, from megachurches to the dealing with diseases such as cancer.  The book The Secret was a massive success and advised readers that “negative thoughts attract negative energy” and that “thoughts become things”. While I certainly believe that having strong positive beliefs will help you immensely when you’re trying to achieve a goal, is it really of any help to completely ignore the fact that negative things happen? Relentless positivity doesn’t stop bad things from happening, it just makes one inept at dealing with it. I believe there is a difference between seeing the bright side of a positive situation and believing that your thoughts can control everything. Because honestly, if all of this were true, wouldn’t we all be living the life of Riley right now?

Why are books that teach endless positivity such a hit in our culture? I don’t know but I do know that it is an easy train of thought to get caught up in. It feels good to hear that you can be anything, have anything, overcome anything you want simply by having the mental fortitude. But success is often the end of a long path that included doubt, rejection, and setbacks. What do you do when you believe with all of your heart that you’re gonna get that job and you don’t? Sure it hurts but you figure, that’s life and keep it moving. But what if you never considered the possibility that it might not happen, because after all, thinking of a negative outcome could actually make it come true? I think you set yourself up for more disappointment because you deluded yourself into thinking things could only go your way.

If you’re talking to someone who’s dealing with an illness, whether mental or physical, telling them to get themselves together and be positive can come off as insensitive and condescending. Too much positivity can cause some to think that a medical condition can be corrected simply by positive thoughts. Sometimes showing frustrations when ill is interpreted as “giving in” to it. While it is good to be in good spirits when sick, it helps a lot to actually deal with the illness, such as through therapy and support groups.

I wish a lot of these self-help and mind-over-matter books would go away. But they won’t because it’s so attractive to feel like all you have to do is have a happy state of mind and you can get whatever you want in life. Unfortunately this isn’t reality. Circumstances can go whichever way and often times it has nothing to do with thoughts or energy. I used to be an optimist but lately I feel like I’ve become a realist. While I’d rather think about the good and positive, I accept and understand that negative things do happen and I refuse to believe it’s because I didn’t believe hard enough. It’s life.

Have any of you noticed this trend of overwhelming positivity? What do you think about it?

J

A guy friend and I were talking about dating a few days ago. I find it kinda frustrating trying to date guys my age, because I’m part of what has been referred to as “the hookup culture”. It’s how it sounds, a lot of people my age (men and women) are perfectly cool just getting together to have sex. This trend is not only acceptable among my peers but it’s widely accepted in culture. TV shows and movies make it seem like it’s no big deal to have sex with people who share no connection or friendship with each other.

I lament this devil-may-care attitude when it comes to sex because it makes it even harder for those who are actually interested in more than just a sexual relationship. Before I go any further, let me say that I honestly don’t care what other people are doing. If hookups are what you prefer, then great. I’m not some prude on a crusade to stop casual sex. I just think its hard being a single woman who tries to carry herself with respect when there’s a swirl of videos on World Star, YouTube, and countless other blogs with women shamelessly showing off everything their mother gave them.

Back to the discussion my friend and I were having. I was wondering why a guy would approach me and blatantly ask me to come to his house without even a feeble attempt at conversation. He said that with women putting so much of themselves on the internet and being down for hookups, it’s very easy for a guy to paint women with a broad stroke and assume we’re all like that. Me, getting mad at being lumped in with everyone else, claimed that there was no excuse for lack of respect and manners. He said I was right but that it is what it is.

A piece of advice he gave me was to do like restaurants do: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Service. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that some guys look at women as just another notch on their bedpost. But what I can control is how much of my time I will give them. If they don’t come with respect, decency, and manners then I’ll do just like  McDonald’s and Applebee’s do: deny access.

Have any of you ladies encountered this issue?

J

With all of the hoopla and festivities in Indy (SB46!) this past week I’ve been preoccupied with hanging out downtown at the expense of blogging/writing. Now that all of the excitement is over, the celebrities have flown out, and trash is being picked up, I’m back to business.

A few days ago I was watching a new show on MTV, I Just Want My Pants Back. This show is about a guy who literally wants his pants back after he sleeps with a woman who steals them. Looking past this odd plot, the show features a group of post-college students who are very educated yet underemployed. This doesn’t seem to bother them because they are more interested in finding a career that ignites passion instead of sitting around working for “green bits of paper”.

When I saw this show, my first thought was that the characters were lame and acted kind of douchey. I consider myself intelligent and “environmental sustainability” (discussed on the show) is a topic even I would have a hard time introducing into conversation. My second thought was that I hope I don’t sound like them, whining about wanting a career that’s “fulfilling” and deluding myself into believing I can really make it as a writer (I’m sure I’m the only English major with that goal ). Then I realized there’s nothing wrong with wanting a job that you will actually like most of the time. Wanting a job where you can help someone or make an impact should be considered a good thing.

I’ve written about this before, because it’s a recurring theme in my life right now (and I’m sure some of you too). It’s a common struggle. Do I pursue what I want or what’s sensible? Is there any age where it’s just not feasible? I’ve gotten a sense that fancying yourself an actress or astronaut are fine when you’re a kid, but as you grow older people ask, “So what do you really want to do?” Why is there this notion that childhood dreams must remain just that?

I believe one good thing that came out of the Great Recession is that it sparked an entrepreneurial and creative spirit in several people. Suddenly lifelong dreams people had were no longer put on the back burner because of their job. So many great businesses have been created because there was nothing to lose.

Rapper J. Cole stated in a recent article that, “I never ever once considered going to get a real job with my degree. I felt like if I did that, I was defeating myself and throwing in the towel on my dream.” When I read this article I identified with this quote. I’m asked all the time when I’m going to “do” something with my English degree, as if I have to be sitting in a cubicle at a computer for 8 hours a day to do that (no offense to anyone who does). I use my degree whenever I speak, write, or read. Getting a “real job” doesn’t validate a degree. I’ve simply chosen to use the skills I honed for 4 years to pursue the dream I had when I was a 10-year-old girl sitting at our IBM computer churning out stories on my summer vacation.

Do you have any childhood dreams you refuse to give up on?

J

Happy Wednesday!

Today I met with a personal trainer for the first time. My main goal is to get in shape for the summer and tone my arms and stomach. Wow did I get a workout! The exercises weren’t necessarily strenuous but it required some discipline and willpower to get through 4 or 5 sets of each. I’m not going to bore you with the details of my workout regimen, instead I want to focus on two ideas I just mentioned, discipline and willpower.

Often when we see someone who’s in perfect shape or an actor who’s finally got their big break, we don’t know all of the work and time they put into achieving that goal. I’m not bragging by any means, but when I was in school I never had to work hard for good grades. I was always fairly fit even though I rarely exercised and never committed to a diet. For the first time in my life I’m learning how to really commit myself to a goal and focus. It hasn’t been easy by a long shot but it’s awesome when you start seeing results.

For example, I want to be a writer. Now I used to say this all the time but I only wrote sporadically or when the mood hit me. Ever since starting this blog (and its been a month today!) I have forced myself to sit down every evening and write something. I’ll admit, I wanted to give up after a week because I had no idea how I was going to come up with something interesting to say everyday. But I kept on, because with each blog post, I started to find my voice and really enjoy putting my thoughts out there for everyone to read. Writing today is a lot easier than the day I created this blog and I have no doubt it’ll get even easier as each day goes on. One of the main pieces of advice famous writers give out is write something everyday. And this is so true. This forces you to think and helps you trudge through obstacles such as writers’ block.

Obstacles and setbacks suck, they really do. I don’t know any other way to put it. If you’re working out diligently and not seeing the weight fall off as quickly as you would like. If you’re an actor and you keep getting rejected audition after audition. If you’re a writer and your work keeps getting rejected no matter how many times you edit and revise. If you’re searching for a job and not getting it despite creating an excellent resume and giving near-perfect interviews. A goal can become blurred and pushed to the wayside when you’re doing everything you can and it still doesn’t feel like you’re accomplishing anything. I’m not trying to sound like a self-help guru and I’m only speaking for myself, but the rewards are much more gratifying if it’s something you have to work hard for. If my blog had become popular the first day I put it up I don’t think I’d be growing into my writing the way I am now. If I lost weight just like that (*finger snap) I wouldn’t be as focused and working out muscles I never knew I had.

This is a long post I know. It’s just that hard work and discipline are traits I’ve really come to appreciate these past few months. Some people have known these things their whole lives but I didn’t.

Do you have any goals that you refuse to give up on, no matter the setbacks?

J