Thoughts of a Random Nature

How much of yourself do you share with others?

With the popularity of reality TV, Facebook/Twitter, and gossip blogs, we don’t think very much of sharing or learning about the most intimate part of people’s lives. Showing pictures of a vacation used to be for family and friends but now, considering how easy it is to load pictures onto Facebook, Instagram, or other sites, they are for everyone to see, even people you’re barely acquainted with or haven’t talked to in years.

It’s fun being able to catch up with people’s lives without having to utter a word to them, but at the same time, there seems to be a dark side to lightly sharing your business. If I had a dime for every time I heard about Facebook or Twitter drama on TV and in real life, I wouldn’t need to work. Sometimes I think we get so comfortable and are used to hearing the daily goings-on of the people around us that we don’t realize everything doesn’t need to be posted.

I’ve been talking about friendships and relationships lately and I definitely have issues when it comes to sharing, I admit. On my Facebook I have probably five pictures posted. I post status updates but they’re mostly random thoughts (ha!) that pop in my head, never anything on my personal life. Of course I’ve heard that the more info you put out about yourself on these sites, the more you get out of them (whether it be more friend requests, comments/likes/retweets, etc.).

One of the main reasons I don’t like sharing a lot (online or in real life) is because I don’t trust easily. How do I know that the personal stuff I’ve just told someone won’t be spread around and I end up being ridiculed and humiliated? I don’t think you can ever know for sure because you never know how a relationship will turn out. One day you’re close friends/confidantes and the next you can be sworn enemies. You can never predict the results of a fallout.

My trust/sharing issue is something I want to work on. Like with social media, what you put in is what you will get out of it. The main way to get close to a person is to open up and let them see your vulnerabilities. But at the same time, it’s so important to be careful. Getting to really know someone before sharing extremely personal stuff may save you some heartache and embarrassment in the long run. There used to be a time when personal affairs were indeed personal. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately, today we think nothing of airing our business (or anyone else’s).

Does it take a long time before you’re comfortable sharing personal info with others? Do you share a lot of things online?

J

I’m a very impatient person. Always have been and probably always will be. I wish I possessed the trait of patience, because it could save me a lot of grief. With the internet, apps, and all of the little gadgets we use in our everyday lives, I’ve been thinking of how we’ve become a snappy and impatient culture over the past few decades.

Granted, I don’t think I was around when the microwave became a popular kitchen item, but I’d venture to say that it was a giant step towards our society wanting things in thirty seconds or less. With a microwave, taking a significant chunk of time to cook a meal becomes unnecessary. Just pop the dinner in for five minutes and voila! You’ve got dinner. Often times the meal tastes just as good as if you’d cooked it over the stove and for a fraction of the time. Now I’m far from a food snob but I try to stay away from processed and microwave food as much as I can. I enjoy fresh food and I like the process of cooking. But then I understand some people truly are busy and some hate cooking so I suppose it is a perfect solution for some.

Following microwaves were cell phones (eliminating the need to take time out finding a pay phone) and the internet. The internet has revolutionized everything we do, from socializing to shopping to paying bills. Information on virtually anything you can think of is at your fingertips. And with the evolution from dial-up to broadband/cable websites load so fast that it has been said the average reader will move on to another site if it hasn’t loaded in roughly 5 seconds! I think that’s a crazy statistic but I know how true it is. There are too many other sites to waste time waiting for one to connect.

I’m pretty active on Twitter now, but if you told me about 6 months ago I’d have anything more than a fleeting interest in the site I’d have laughed in your face. I thought the idea of sharing random tidbits was stupid and even worse was the 140 character limit. What in the world can you say in 140 characters? (I thought).  But I drank the Twitter kool-aid. Sure it’s amusing to read the random thoughts of celebrities but I also subscribe to a few news sites. And it’s nice to get news without all of the expository info and editorializing that typically goes on in news articles. I think the character limit was an awesome idea because it eliminates a lot of BS. Information tends to be pretty cut, dry, and to the point.

Ironically, given that people my age are the ones who barely remember life before computers and want results and info quickly, we have been the slowest to grow up. It’s taking longer to settle into jobs/careers and to form relationships, get married, and have children. I think many of us are looking at lives like we do websites that are trying to load. We’re not willing to expend much time being patient waiting for results when we realize there are so many other opportunities out there (and if we don’t see them, we create them ourselves). It’s like the world is our internet and we’ll keep clicking till we find what we want.

Are you a patient person? Do you ever wish for a return to simpler and slower days?

J

Happy Tuesday!

Being naturally reserved and an introvert, one of my biggest challenges has been making friends. When I was a kid, activities where we had to partner up with someone were the bane of my existence. I’d always be one of the stragglers. You know, one of the kids left awkwardly standing around while everyone else is looking on with a mix of pity and smugness. Then the teacher makes you form a partnership, and the awkwardness is compounded by the fact that you’ve probably never spoken to each other before. I’ll digress before I really start reliving my elementary school days.

Anyhow, as I grew older I became a little more outgoing and found myself making more friends. In junior high my life revolved around my little group of friends. Passing notes in class, AOL Instant Messenger when we got home, and parties on the weekends. Silly us, we thought we’d stay the best of friends for the rest of our lives. Once in high school, we began growing apart when we met tons of new people and really started thinking about our futures.

Back then I thought of these people as my friends. And maybe they were. Sometimes, for no reason at all, there are those who just disappear from your life. Then there are relationships that last through high school, college, moving to different cities, marriage, babies, etc. Today I’m a lot more careful in using the term “friend”. We have to have a really strong relationship for me to consider a person a friend. That’s one of my gripes with Facebook, the way it refers to those on your list as “friends”. These may be folks you haven’t talked to in years or if you saw them in real life you’d be grasping at straws to have a conversation.

Social media, not just Facebook, lets you keep up with someone’s life without ever uttering a word to them. Instead of asking a person how they’re doing, just check on their profile or their Twitter feed. I’ve done it too so I’m not knocking it but it’s weird how we think of ourselves as a more connected society yet we probably have less interaction than ever before.

One of the things (among many ) that sucks about being an adult is that it’s so much harder to meet people and make friends. It’s work making time to socialize. Very different from school, where you’re surrounded by others your age and who you probably have something in common with.

How do you define friendship? Do you consider yourself to have many friends?

J

Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it. – Chinese proverb

Right now I’m facing the point where I’ve been writing as a hobby for a while (I do short stories, poetry, and essays in addition to this blog) and I’m getting the itch to start submitting my work to magazines and journals. But what’s the the big obstacle standing in my way? That nine letter word known as REJECTION!

I admit, I hate the idea of being rejected (who doesn’t?). I think people my age may have had a particularly hard time dealing with it for one big reason. When we were little kids, participating in sports and other types of competitions, everybody got an award. Just for being on the team. Even if you pretty much sucked. While coaches, parents, and teachers might have thought they were doing us a favor by not distinguishing those who were truly spectacular and actually deserved an award or trophy, they really weren’t. Because it tended to instill in us this idea that no matter how bad you are, you deserve a reward for just showing up and being on the team.  Flash forward ten or fifteen years. Many millenials struggle with the fact that they are required to prove themselves in order to get jobs or opportunities. No more just showing up and getting a pat on the back.

Growing up with this kind of philosophy may be part of my problem. But perfectionism is an issue for me as well. I don’t like doing something unless I know I can succeed. Unfortunately this has stopped me from pursuing many opportunities because I didn’t like the idea I may fail. With writing it’s always hard showing others my work because I’m afraid I’ll get laughed and told it’s horrible. But then I’ve realized sharing my work (or taking chances in general) is like getting a vaccination. Once you’re exposed to it you build a tolerance and you become immune to the disease. The more I allow people to read my work and the more I submit pieces to be published, the less I’m likely to be stung by rejection or criticism.

In my case fear of rejection or failure mostly applies to writing. But there are so many more areas where it can hold you back. A friendship or relationship can begin just by taking a chance and initiating conversation.  Taking a solo trip may never leave the wishful thinking stage if you’re afraid to be alone in a different environment.

I suppose if things were easy it wouldn’t feel so good once you get what you want.

Are you afraid of rejection or failure? How do you deal with it?

J

Seems like every time I get on Facebook, I see either an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or a profile with a new last name added, with the maiden name sometimes in parentheses. Some of my Facebook friends I’ve known since we were in junior high, so it’s kinda weird seeing people get married and having children. Really cements the fact that we are adults. Anyway, I’m always happy for anyone who’s found someone they want to make the huge commitment of marriage with, but there’s a part of me that questions whether marriage will ever be the choice for me.

Right now I’m preoccupied with myself and my interests so marriage doesn’t hold much interest for me at the moment. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone but then I worry how much of my independence I’ll have to give up. If I want to go away for a weekend, will it seem mean if I don’t want any company? If I want to spend an evening writing, will my husband be offended? These questions sound trivial, but I’ve seen and heard of small issues between partners ballooning into big ones.

Then there’s the idealistic and romantic side of me that can’t wait until I meet someone that wants to share a home and life with me.

There are so many articles in magazines about how people in their 20s are forgoing marriage and have an increasingly cynical view of the institution. If that’s the case I can’t tell by my buddies on FB. If there is a pessimistic view of marriage I think it’s because we see so many people getting divorced in a year or two because there was no thought put into it. Several are obsessed with the idea of marriage but don’t realize there’s more to it than fancy wedding dresses, huge rings, and exotic honeymoons. On top of that, some people look for their spouse to make them whole. “You complete me” was a cute line in Jerry Maguire but it can be downright annoying when practiced in real life. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy, depending on them for everything.

One of my goals for this year is to focus on becoming my own woman. Not because I’m waiting to get married but because I think it’s important to know who I am and what I want in life. By the time I get myself squared away I’ll be ready to not only let someone in my world but enter theirs.

What do you think of marriage? When do you think you’ll be ready (emotionally) to walk down the aisle?

J

A few summers ago I read the novel Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. It was published in the early 1950s, on the cusp of notable events such as the Civil Rights Movement and the Red Scare (Communism). The novel follows a young and educated black man, whose name is never revealed. The story begins with him as a student at a southern college but following a series of crazy events he is kicked out of the school. He moves to New York City and becomes involved with communism and black nationalism. Throughout the novel he suffers humiliation and struggles with never being looked at as a human being (this is why I believe his name is never given). The story is told in flashbacks  and the narrator comes to release the hatred and hurt he had carried around for so long by telling his tale.

This isn’t a book review or critique; instead I want to look at the term “Invisible Man” and how change can come about and statements can be made simply by sharing one’s experiences. Often times it’s easy to feel as if there’s no way you can make a change or any kind of imprint on the world. After all you’re just one person. I know I’ve felt this way on several occasions, whether it’s wondering why anyone would be interested in reading what I’ve written or doubting the value in signing petitions and fighting for causes I believe in. It’s so much easier to succumb to The Powers That Be and figure there is no hope. But then I realize that even though a cause or movement may have a face attached to it, they didn’t do it by themselves. Instead they had several nameless people behind them, not worrying about making a name for themselves but determined to have their say. This has made me stand up for issues I feel strongly about, from littering to birth control.

I admit, a few days ago I thought about ending my blog. I enjoy writing it but I wish it was like one of those huge blogs everyone knows. Of course I’ve only been writing for two months so I guess I have to be a little patient on that front. But then, like the narrator of Invisible Man, I realized how much this blog has helped me grow. I’ve become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and writing with the world. And the comments I’ve gotten from acquaintances saying how much they like it and can relate to some of the things I talk about is just really awesome. If the random thoughts floating through my head that manage to make it on to this site is a help to anyone…well that’s a great feeling, it really is. It just reminds me that you can inspire and help in ways you may not even know. And no matter how small your say or imprint is, it’s there .

Have you ever learned a valuable lesson just from listening to someone’s story or experience?

J

P.S. Happy Spring!

I’ve had a thought on my mind for the past few days and I guess this is the place to expound on it right?

If there’s one thing that kind of gets under my skin, it’s when people presume things about me based on my looks. Now I know about stereotypes and prejudices and I know they’re basically unavoidable. I feel a bit odd writing about it because I do it to people all the time. It’s so easy to assume what kind of person someone dates, dietary choices (i.e. vegan/vegetarian), political leanings, etc. just by taking their physical appearance in.

For instance, I’m a pretty quiet person and I enjoy reading, so I’m always asked why I’m not a librarian. I worked in a library during college and while I enjoyed my job for the most part, I could not see myself ever being a librarian. There is so much more to that job than most people think (I didn’t even know you had to have a Masters in Library Science to be one!) and I quickly crossed that off my list of potential careers. Or people will tell me what kind of guy I should date based on my appearance and how I carry myself. Or if I’m having a conversation and mention that I don’t club much, I’ve become a lonely spinster who sits at home and stares out the window at everyone having fun. Not that I don’t enjoy nightclubs when I go but I didn’t realize they were mandatory for having an interesting life.

These are relatively small issues but don’t you think it’s weird how we quickly form preconceived notions of a person based on things such as how they wear their hair and clothes, how they talk, their job, even a name? Assumptions can be so powerful that we don’t even deem it necessary to get to know someone. It can be said that different sides of a personality are often hidden until we reach a level of comfort but we often have tunnel vision when it comes to meeting new people. It’s easier for you to fit into my view of what you should be. Maybe that’s why we have a hard time dealing with people who defy stereotypes and expectations. Because they’re hard to understand and categorize. So what’s the easier option? Castigate and ostracize them for their looks and personality not matching up with the puzzle I’m trying to fit them into.

What are some things people assume about you?

J

Before I start let me preface by saying this. I put up this picture of a comet because I think it’s a beautiful and amazing sight. Even though this post is about human beauty and its effect in society, I just wanted to put this up instead

I was reading an article one day and the author was talking about the process of finding a job. A girl she knew had gotten a plum writing position and she argued that, despite the young woman’s credentials and education, the job had went to her mainly because she was attractive. This sparked serious outrage in the comment section but the author held her ground (which I commend her for). It was a bold statement that was met indignantly. How dare someone, in this day and age, declare that a pretty girl had gotten a job because she was good-looking? What about all of her more substantial attributes, such as her education, experience, and writing skills?

Not too surprisingly most of the anger came from women. But the theory of a woman getting ahead on her looks also came from a woman, which I found interesting. And I honestly can’t argue with her. I don’t like to admit it, but yes my first impressions often come from a person’s looks. If they’re more attractive I’m probably going to think higher of them than someone I find average or not so good-looking. I think the reason this comment touched a nerve is because there’s a stigma attached to a woman advancing due to her physical features. Some of us women (myself included) would rather our looks be the last thing a person focuses on. What about my intelligence, resume, personality, etc.? If I’m a writer how I look is not going to determine how I do my job.

I can’t speak for other women, but I sometimes have a hard time accepting my looks and how that’s probably helped me in life. I like the way I look but I’ve often heard mean things like “Oh she thinks she’s cute” and given the side-eye. And I won’t lie, it hurts occasionally. Especially if you’re not a person who thinks you’re all that. So what do you do? Well there’s only so much you can do because you can’t change how people think. But I try to be as nice as I can because it can sting when people are dismissive towards you and believe you’re a stuck-up bitch. I’ve seen women treat other women badly over something as trivial as having long hair (sad but true).

I think it’s interesting that beauty is both shunned and desired in our society. Those who are believed to be beautiful can find it hard to form relationships because others look at them as having glided through life on their looks. It’s desired because of the perks it may bring, such as attention and easier to get jobs or promotions.  For all of the mud the author of that article I read had thrown at her, she was right. No matter what, we as people are going to use looks as a determining factor in if we like someone, whether we hire them, etc. It may not be the only factor but it’s in there. And I think the reason so many women we’re upset was because they want to believe their other characteristics are more important. It touched a nerve that that woman came out and said what we all basically know. Some people get things (in this case a job) because they’re attractive. Point blank.

Do you think we as a society still place a huge importance on looks?

J

This post’s title is taken from the opening lines of Anna Karenina, one of my favorite novels. In its entirety it reads, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy its own way.” Even though this novel was written in the 19th century I think this quote can still speak to the dynamics of a family today.

Family is an interesting concept. In a way they’re almost like coworkers in that they aren’t people you would necessarily choose to be associated with but you learn to make the best of it and get along. Of all the things we can control we have no hand in what family we are born into. Sometimes I look at a family on a commercial or on a TV show and they’ll all be sitting around, having a good time and thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder why real family gatherings can’t be like that. Yes most families know how to come together for reunions, weddings, and (unfortunately) funerals but usually it’s nothing like what you see on the screen. In real life families come with secrets, idiosyncrasies, and deep issues that have been locked away in a closet to preserve the idea that everything is fine and that the family is perfect.

What makes a group of people a family then? Is it only based on blood relations or does the strong relationship you have with a person create a familial bond? I’ve often heard people say things such as their friends are their family or that they know a person that is close enough to them to be considered a sibling. In our society we believe a family to be a group that you can count on for support no matter what, to be there in the good times and bad. That there are some who form extremely close relationships with people they are not in any way related to I think kind of pokes holes through the “blood is thicker than water” adage. This is only my opinion but forming familial ties with friends may especially apply to the millenial generation, because with the way our culture and society is shifting, there are rather noticeable differences between the generations when it pertains to lifestyle preferences.

Back to the Anna Karenina quote. In a way I agree with it and in a way I don’t. I agree with the idea that all happy families would basically be the same: happy. But there can be a myriad of reasons why a family is struggling or extremely dysfunctional.  I disagree because I don’t know if a truly happy family exists. We as individuals have so many issues and things that we are going through and when you bring the family together and mix all of those things….well I’ll just say I think most families do their best to enjoy each other. And that’s really all you can do. Unfortunately there’s no screenwriter coming up with ways to make a dysfunctional family picture perfect and pretending they don’t have any problems (or if they do, they can be solved in minutes or hours). There will always be dysfunction and mess but you have to appreciate whatever you call your family, because things change and people go before you know it.

Do you believe you have a happy family? Have you ever formed a family-like relationship with your friends?

J

Today is February 15, 2012. I put 2012 in bold and italic because some of the recent headlines have got me thinking we’ve been transported back to the 1950s. The Komen Foundation reversed funding for Planned Parenthood, which many people believe was due to Planned Parenthood providing abortions (although they also provide several other services), the fury over the birth control mandate. Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum declaring that sex should only  be for procreation purposes, even between married couples. Politicians campaigning against birth control coverage.

For the past few weeks  I have been paying attention to the Republican primaries and I’ve noticed Santorum in particular has made social and culture issues his main focus as opposed to the others, who’ve been mostly stressing jobs and the economy. Why is he doing this? I have no idea, because I honestly think right now, in a country bouncing back from a recession, most people are more concerned with finding decent jobs than what two grown, consenting adults are doing in their bedroom. Santorum has stated that many of the problems in our culture are rooted in the moral decline of our country.  This may be true but is turning back the clock 50 years the answer? Instead of trying to take things back to the way they used to be, we should try to adapt to the culture we have now because there have been too many advancements made to pretend they don’t exist.

The Komen Foundation was thrown into the fire after cutting off funding for Planned Parenthood. Their official reason was that the latter was under federal investigation and it violates their rules to provide funding when this occurs. However it is well known that many of the top operatives of the organization are vehemently pro-life. Pro-life or pro-choice that’s your decision but Planned Parenthood does more than provide abortions. They offer health care for women who don’t have insurance and can’t go to the doctor. Unfortunately that tidbit’s often swept under the carpet.

Last week, I wrote letters to USA Today and the New York Times because I’m infuriated by my body being used in a political and cultural tug-of-war. With the new birth control law, I understand that no religion shouldn’t be made to prescribe birth control if they are against it. But yet we have to accept that many Catholic women do use birth control, and that is their right. Opponents of the new law claim it is violating their right to practice their religion.  My question is, how is that? How does a woman choosing to take birth control have anything to do with someone else? As I wrote in my letter, I think this goes beyond religion. I believe many don’t agree with birth control because they believe it allows women to engage in casual sex without consequence.

For whatever reason, perhaps its the puritanical history of our country, we connect morality with sexuality. Women are usually not encouraged to display their enjoyment of sex because then there’s the risk of being called a slut, a slore, or a woman with “loose morals”. Teen girls used to be advised to “keep their mouths closed and legs crossed” and if they didn’t and got pregnant, were sent away to a home for unwed mothers. What’s the lesson in all of this? That it’s not right to enjoy sex and if you do you’re bad. I always thought having morals was about knowing what’s right and what’s wrong. I didn’t know morals had anything to do with sexual feelings I may have and the choices I make when I’m intimate with someone. Glancing at the headlines in the past few weeks I think I was wrong.

Have you noticed the culture war brewing? Do you think, even in 2012, we connect morals and sex?

J