Thoughts of a Random Nature

I’m a very impatient person. Always have been and probably always will be. I wish I possessed the trait of patience, because it could save me a lot of grief. With the internet, apps, and all of the little gadgets we use in our everyday lives, I’ve been thinking of how we’ve become a snappy and impatient culture over the past few decades.

Granted, I don’t think I was around when the microwave became a popular kitchen item, but I’d venture to say that it was a giant step towards our society wanting things in thirty seconds or less. With a microwave, taking a significant chunk of time to cook a meal becomes unnecessary. Just pop the dinner in for five minutes and voila! You’ve got dinner. Often times the meal tastes just as good as if you’d cooked it over the stove and for a fraction of the time. Now I’m far from a food snob but I try to stay away from processed and microwave food as much as I can. I enjoy fresh food and I like the process of cooking. But then I understand some people truly are busy and some hate cooking so I suppose it is a perfect solution for some.

Following microwaves were cell phones (eliminating the need to take time out finding a pay phone) and the internet. The internet has revolutionized everything we do, from socializing to shopping to paying bills. Information on virtually anything you can think of is at your fingertips. And with the evolution from dial-up to broadband/cable websites load so fast that it has been said the average reader will move on to another site if it hasn’t loaded in roughly 5 seconds! I think that’s a crazy statistic but I know how true it is. There are too many other sites to waste time waiting for one to connect.

I’m pretty active on Twitter now, but if you told me about 6 months ago I’d have anything more than a fleeting interest in the site I’d have laughed in your face. I thought the idea of sharing random tidbits was stupid and even worse was the 140 character limit. What in the world can you say in 140 characters? (I thought).  But I drank the Twitter kool-aid. Sure it’s amusing to read the random thoughts of celebrities but I also subscribe to a few news sites. And it’s nice to get news without all of the expository info and editorializing that typically goes on in news articles. I think the character limit was an awesome idea because it eliminates a lot of BS. Information tends to be pretty cut, dry, and to the point.

Ironically, given that people my age are the ones who barely remember life before computers and want results and info quickly, we have been the slowest to grow up. It’s taking longer to settle into jobs/careers and to form relationships, get married, and have children. I think many of us are looking at lives like we do websites that are trying to load. We’re not willing to expend much time being patient waiting for results when we realize there are so many other opportunities out there (and if we don’t see them, we create them ourselves). It’s like the world is our internet and we’ll keep clicking till we find what we want.

Are you a patient person? Do you ever wish for a return to simpler and slower days?

J

Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it. – Chinese proverb

Right now I’m facing the point where I’ve been writing as a hobby for a while (I do short stories, poetry, and essays in addition to this blog) and I’m getting the itch to start submitting my work to magazines and journals. But what’s the the big obstacle standing in my way? That nine letter word known as REJECTION!

I admit, I hate the idea of being rejected (who doesn’t?). I think people my age may have had a particularly hard time dealing with it for one big reason. When we were little kids, participating in sports and other types of competitions, everybody got an award. Just for being on the team. Even if you pretty much sucked. While coaches, parents, and teachers might have thought they were doing us a favor by not distinguishing those who were truly spectacular and actually deserved an award or trophy, they really weren’t. Because it tended to instill in us this idea that no matter how bad you are, you deserve a reward for just showing up and being on the team.  Flash forward ten or fifteen years. Many millenials struggle with the fact that they are required to prove themselves in order to get jobs or opportunities. No more just showing up and getting a pat on the back.

Growing up with this kind of philosophy may be part of my problem. But perfectionism is an issue for me as well. I don’t like doing something unless I know I can succeed. Unfortunately this has stopped me from pursuing many opportunities because I didn’t like the idea I may fail. With writing it’s always hard showing others my work because I’m afraid I’ll get laughed and told it’s horrible. But then I’ve realized sharing my work (or taking chances in general) is like getting a vaccination. Once you’re exposed to it you build a tolerance and you become immune to the disease. The more I allow people to read my work and the more I submit pieces to be published, the less I’m likely to be stung by rejection or criticism.

In my case fear of rejection or failure mostly applies to writing. But there are so many more areas where it can hold you back. A friendship or relationship can begin just by taking a chance and initiating conversation.  Taking a solo trip may never leave the wishful thinking stage if you’re afraid to be alone in a different environment.

I suppose if things were easy it wouldn’t feel so good once you get what you want.

Are you afraid of rejection or failure? How do you deal with it?

J

Happy Tuesday!

I follow Forbes on Twitter and yesterday they posted an article about ways millenials can avoid suffering from burnout. Being a millenial who suffered from academic exhaustion a few years ago, I feel I can relate. Anyway, some of the ways to avoid this trap include: knowing your threshold, prepare for melancholy moods, nurture the soul, determine your purpose, and possess self-awareness.

Millenial/Gen-Y burnout being of interest to me, I naturally decided to do some research. An interesting tidbit I read about it is that it can happen when you have a smorgasbord of opportunities in your face. And I can see this being very true. Now it’s acceptable to look for a job that inspires and provides purpose, as opposed to just paying the bills. We have chances to study abroad and travel the world, things that may not have been provided so easily to previous generations. But with so many options, there is a dark side. Can it be that we have so much in front of us that we get into everything aimlessly until exhaustion sets in and we collapse?

Looking at these tips, I think they can apply to areas of one’s life outside of academics/careers. For instance, in my case, trying to get healthy and lose weight. I’m finally seeing results but I have to admit it hasn’t been easy. When you’re working out hard, cutting out sweets and fast food, and still only losing a few ounces, it’s tempting to want to throw in the towel. Undergoing this process of getting in shape is just as much mental as it is physical, maybe even more so.

I’ve had to determine my threshold and then keep pushing when it’s been reached. I know there are going to be days when I get on the scale thinking I’ve lost two pounds and barely lost one. After the gym, I like to shower and relax with a cup of tea (usually peppermint) while I write or get on the internet. I have a purpose for totally changing my diet and becoming a gym rat: I want to be healthy and feel good about the way I look. And finally I’m aware of myself. I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not.

Burnout happens in relationships, at work, school, pursuing dreams and goals, and I’m sure several different areas. The gist of these burnout tips (in my opinion) is to just calm down and regroup. It’s not the end of the world if you get exhausted and need a break. I wish I would have known this three years ago when I left grad school, I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But then I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Have you ever suffered burnout? How did you recover?

J

Seems like every time I get on Facebook, I see either an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or a profile with a new last name added, with the maiden name sometimes in parentheses. Some of my Facebook friends I’ve known since we were in junior high, so it’s kinda weird seeing people get married and having children. Really cements the fact that we are adults. Anyway, I’m always happy for anyone who’s found someone they want to make the huge commitment of marriage with, but there’s a part of me that questions whether marriage will ever be the choice for me.

Right now I’m preoccupied with myself and my interests so marriage doesn’t hold much interest for me at the moment. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone but then I worry how much of my independence I’ll have to give up. If I want to go away for a weekend, will it seem mean if I don’t want any company? If I want to spend an evening writing, will my husband be offended? These questions sound trivial, but I’ve seen and heard of small issues between partners ballooning into big ones.

Then there’s the idealistic and romantic side of me that can’t wait until I meet someone that wants to share a home and life with me.

There are so many articles in magazines about how people in their 20s are forgoing marriage and have an increasingly cynical view of the institution. If that’s the case I can’t tell by my buddies on FB. If there is a pessimistic view of marriage I think it’s because we see so many people getting divorced in a year or two because there was no thought put into it. Several are obsessed with the idea of marriage but don’t realize there’s more to it than fancy wedding dresses, huge rings, and exotic honeymoons. On top of that, some people look for their spouse to make them whole. “You complete me” was a cute line in Jerry Maguire but it can be downright annoying when practiced in real life. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy, depending on them for everything.

One of my goals for this year is to focus on becoming my own woman. Not because I’m waiting to get married but because I think it’s important to know who I am and what I want in life. By the time I get myself squared away I’ll be ready to not only let someone in my world but enter theirs.

What do you think of marriage? When do you think you’ll be ready (emotionally) to walk down the aisle?

J

A few summers ago I read the novel Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. It was published in the early 1950s, on the cusp of notable events such as the Civil Rights Movement and the Red Scare (Communism). The novel follows a young and educated black man, whose name is never revealed. The story begins with him as a student at a southern college but following a series of crazy events he is kicked out of the school. He moves to New York City and becomes involved with communism and black nationalism. Throughout the novel he suffers humiliation and struggles with never being looked at as a human being (this is why I believe his name is never given). The story is told in flashbacks  and the narrator comes to release the hatred and hurt he had carried around for so long by telling his tale.

This isn’t a book review or critique; instead I want to look at the term “Invisible Man” and how change can come about and statements can be made simply by sharing one’s experiences. Often times it’s easy to feel as if there’s no way you can make a change or any kind of imprint on the world. After all you’re just one person. I know I’ve felt this way on several occasions, whether it’s wondering why anyone would be interested in reading what I’ve written or doubting the value in signing petitions and fighting for causes I believe in. It’s so much easier to succumb to The Powers That Be and figure there is no hope. But then I realize that even though a cause or movement may have a face attached to it, they didn’t do it by themselves. Instead they had several nameless people behind them, not worrying about making a name for themselves but determined to have their say. This has made me stand up for issues I feel strongly about, from littering to birth control.

I admit, a few days ago I thought about ending my blog. I enjoy writing it but I wish it was like one of those huge blogs everyone knows. Of course I’ve only been writing for two months so I guess I have to be a little patient on that front. But then, like the narrator of Invisible Man, I realized how much this blog has helped me grow. I’ve become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and writing with the world. And the comments I’ve gotten from acquaintances saying how much they like it and can relate to some of the things I talk about is just really awesome. If the random thoughts floating through my head that manage to make it on to this site is a help to anyone…well that’s a great feeling, it really is. It just reminds me that you can inspire and help in ways you may not even know. And no matter how small your say or imprint is, it’s there .

Have you ever learned a valuable lesson just from listening to someone’s story or experience?

J

P.S. Happy Spring!

I think spring is finally here! It’s been in the mid-70s and sunny for the past few days. Combine that with Daylight Savings Time starting and the days have been so long and fun I barely want to come in. If I sound giddy over spring it’s because I am. Spring is my favorite time of year. Flowers are blooming and it hasn’t gotten so hot it’s uncomfortable yet.

Besides my battles with hay fever, the only thing I dislike about spring is the idea of spring cleaning. I grew up having to do it every year and if you know me you know how much I hate spending a nice chunk of my day cleaning, though I appreciate how clean and fresh everything feels once I’m done. While I’ll probably be taking one of these weekends to get rid of old clothes, books, and doodads I’ve accumulated over the past few months I’m going to do be doing some mental and emotional spring cleaning as well.

I find it easy to hold on to sad and mean feelings (I’m sure I’m not the only one). There have been slights, no matter how small and inadvertent, that have led me to hold silent grudges and be angry for months. I’ve been working on letting go of petty stuff, either be writing about or talking about it (in some cases to that person, other times not). Whatever I do, I’m learning how to do deal with what’s made me upset, as opposed to keeping it bottled up and it manifesting in potentially self-destructive ways.

I have a few goals and plans for this year and I can’t dedicate my focus to them if I’m caught up in nonsense and inconsequential stuff. With sites like Facebook and Twitter where you can keep up with people’s lives without even having to talk to them, it takes no effort at all to fall into a web of comparing your life to others’ and getting caught up in gossip and mess. I enjoy Twitter more than Facebook but I’m going to try my hardest to limit my time on both of them.

I’m going to trash these bad habits so I have more time to devote to hobbies I enjoy and make me a happier person, such as working out, being outside, reading and writing.

By the way, kind of random but I just read a good article from Forbes Magazine titled “How to Make Twentysomethings Happy”. Talks about millenials in the workplace…definitely worth checking out.

Are there any bad habits or tendencies you want to get rid of in the near future?

J

A guy friend and I were talking about dating a few days ago. I find it kinda frustrating trying to date guys my age, because I’m part of what has been referred to as “the hookup culture”. It’s how it sounds, a lot of people my age (men and women) are perfectly cool just getting together to have sex. This trend is not only acceptable among my peers but it’s widely accepted in culture. TV shows and movies make it seem like it’s no big deal to have sex with people who share no connection or friendship with each other.

I lament this devil-may-care attitude when it comes to sex because it makes it even harder for those who are actually interested in more than just a sexual relationship. Before I go any further, let me say that I honestly don’t care what other people are doing. If hookups are what you prefer, then great. I’m not some prude on a crusade to stop casual sex. I just think its hard being a single woman who tries to carry herself with respect when there’s a swirl of videos on World Star, YouTube, and countless other blogs with women shamelessly showing off everything their mother gave them.

Back to the discussion my friend and I were having. I was wondering why a guy would approach me and blatantly ask me to come to his house without even a feeble attempt at conversation. He said that with women putting so much of themselves on the internet and being down for hookups, it’s very easy for a guy to paint women with a broad stroke and assume we’re all like that. Me, getting mad at being lumped in with everyone else, claimed that there was no excuse for lack of respect and manners. He said I was right but that it is what it is.

A piece of advice he gave me was to do like restaurants do: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Service. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that some guys look at women as just another notch on their bedpost. But what I can control is how much of my time I will give them. If they don’t come with respect, decency, and manners then I’ll do just like  McDonald’s and Applebee’s do: deny access.

Have any of you ladies encountered this issue?

J

With all of the hoopla and festivities in Indy (SB46!) this past week I’ve been preoccupied with hanging out downtown at the expense of blogging/writing. Now that all of the excitement is over, the celebrities have flown out, and trash is being picked up, I’m back to business.

A few days ago I was watching a new show on MTV, I Just Want My Pants Back. This show is about a guy who literally wants his pants back after he sleeps with a woman who steals them. Looking past this odd plot, the show features a group of post-college students who are very educated yet underemployed. This doesn’t seem to bother them because they are more interested in finding a career that ignites passion instead of sitting around working for “green bits of paper”.

When I saw this show, my first thought was that the characters were lame and acted kind of douchey. I consider myself intelligent and “environmental sustainability” (discussed on the show) is a topic even I would have a hard time introducing into conversation. My second thought was that I hope I don’t sound like them, whining about wanting a career that’s “fulfilling” and deluding myself into believing I can really make it as a writer (I’m sure I’m the only English major with that goal ). Then I realized there’s nothing wrong with wanting a job that you will actually like most of the time. Wanting a job where you can help someone or make an impact should be considered a good thing.

I’ve written about this before, because it’s a recurring theme in my life right now (and I’m sure some of you too). It’s a common struggle. Do I pursue what I want or what’s sensible? Is there any age where it’s just not feasible? I’ve gotten a sense that fancying yourself an actress or astronaut are fine when you’re a kid, but as you grow older people ask, “So what do you really want to do?” Why is there this notion that childhood dreams must remain just that?

I believe one good thing that came out of the Great Recession is that it sparked an entrepreneurial and creative spirit in several people. Suddenly lifelong dreams people had were no longer put on the back burner because of their job. So many great businesses have been created because there was nothing to lose.

Rapper J. Cole stated in a recent article that, “I never ever once considered going to get a real job with my degree. I felt like if I did that, I was defeating myself and throwing in the towel on my dream.” When I read this article I identified with this quote. I’m asked all the time when I’m going to “do” something with my English degree, as if I have to be sitting in a cubicle at a computer for 8 hours a day to do that (no offense to anyone who does). I use my degree whenever I speak, write, or read. Getting a “real job” doesn’t validate a degree. I’ve simply chosen to use the skills I honed for 4 years to pursue the dream I had when I was a 10-year-old girl sitting at our IBM computer churning out stories on my summer vacation.

Do you have any childhood dreams you refuse to give up on?

J

Lately I’ve been dealing with a dilemma. It’s been on my mind day and night and it all stems from the question I’ve been asked a lot recently: “When are you going to settle down and pick a career?” Now I know this is being broached because the questioners believe I’m intelligent and have potential. But this question still manages to irritate me.

Like many other millenials, I’ve discovered that I have a slight aversion to entering corporate America. No offense to anyone who prefers this path but I don’t believe it’s for me. I’m not business-minded at all and nothing about the culture or environment interests me. I want a job that uses creativity and where I feel as if I’m making some meaningful contribution. I know this is a bit idealistic and perhaps typical of people my age but I want to feel some kind of fulfillment from my work.

Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed working with words, whether writing stories, helping people tidy up documents, or word games. I believe it is through writing that I can best contribute to society. And that’s why I have decided I want to be a writer. Of course, this isn’t the easiest thing to explain to parents who may be starting to wonder exactly why they sent their daughter to college if she just wants to stare at a Word document on her laptop all day.

This decision may not be the easiest to explain to others, but at what point do you have to ignore what others, despite their best intentions, want for you? Although I’ve been on this career-searching odyssey for awhile I feel incredibly lucky to be a twentysomething right now. Because we can create our careers. Having a full-time job and a “side hustle” is very popular right now, and for a good reason. Who says you have to choose between a stable job and pursuing your passion? Why not try and have it all?

I’m starting to realize that I know exactly what I’m looking for. I just want to live and enjoy my life (who doesn’t?) but I don’t want it to be something I have to squeeze in for an hour or two every week. I want it to be everything.

I was so relieved to find out there are other twentysomethings dealing with this same issue, so I know I’m not crazy . I’d like to know, are there any of you who have faced the decision of whether or not to pursue your passion? How did those closest to you take it? Did you care?

J

Perhaps I’m being a bit hyperbolic with the title but I took it from Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (awesome book by the way). Anyway today I’d like to talk about my failed attempt at grad school.

I graduated in 2009, at the height of the Great Recession and the job crisis. In other words, probably the worst time in modern history to be graduating college. Instead of spending months sending out resumes and anxiously monitoring the job market, I started researching another alternative: grad school. Grad school was where you went to earn your Masters and/or Ph.D. and learn how to become a scholar. It was also becoming a dumping place for college grads who didn’t quite know what they wanted to do yet but also wanted to feel as if they were doing something important with their time.

I decided I wanted to continue in academia and applied to a top university. Once admitted I became excited. I figured grad studies would simply  be an extension of my undergraduate years. I ignored advice from older students recommending taking a few years to work, travel, basically anything besides school. Besides having an advanced degree would look so much better on my resume and automatically qualify me for better-paying jobs.

Immediately upon starting classes I realized how wrong I had been about everything. First, grad school is nothing like undergrad and should not be undertaken simply because you enjoyed your major. Instead of spending a semester reading and discussing texts, I was expected to contribute original ideas regarding said works. I began to seriously question whether I was willing to immerse myself in this subject for the next few years. So many of my other friends were enjoying freedom from school after nearly 20 years and I had signed up for even more.

I admitted to myself that I was using grad school to escape the possibility of failing in the real world. And I was being lazy, not wanting to work to figure out what I really wanted to do. As soon as I figured out what I needed to do, I realized I had to take a chance and strike out on my own.

So I left grad school after one measly semester.

I was happy with my decision but it also haunted me for months. I felt like a failure. I hated when people asked me how was school going because I had to say I quit. No matter my reasons it just sounded wrong in my ears.

This post is long and I apologize but this was a big part of my life and if there’s anyone in a situation like this (not knowing whether to leave or not) I hope my story can help a little. By no means am I saying grad school is bad, but don’t underestimate how big a decision it actually is.

J