Thoughts of a Random Nature

Happy Tuesday!

Being naturally reserved and an introvert, one of my biggest challenges has been making friends. When I was a kid, activities where we had to partner up with someone were the bane of my existence. I’d always be one of the stragglers. You know, one of the kids left awkwardly standing around while everyone else is looking on with a mix of pity and smugness. Then the teacher makes you form a partnership, and the awkwardness is compounded by the fact that you’ve probably never spoken to each other before. I’ll digress before I really start reliving my elementary school days.

Anyhow, as I grew older I became a little more outgoing and found myself making more friends. In junior high my life revolved around my little group of friends. Passing notes in class, AOL Instant Messenger when we got home, and parties on the weekends. Silly us, we thought we’d stay the best of friends for the rest of our lives. Once in high school, we began growing apart when we met tons of new people and really started thinking about our futures.

Back then I thought of these people as my friends. And maybe they were. Sometimes, for no reason at all, there are those who just disappear from your life. Then there are relationships that last through high school, college, moving to different cities, marriage, babies, etc. Today I’m a lot more careful in using the term “friend”. We have to have a really strong relationship for me to consider a person a friend. That’s one of my gripes with Facebook, the way it refers to those on your list as “friends”. These may be folks you haven’t talked to in years or if you saw them in real life you’d be grasping at straws to have a conversation.

Social media, not just Facebook, lets you keep up with someone’s life without ever uttering a word to them. Instead of asking a person how they’re doing, just check on their profile or their Twitter feed. I’ve done it too so I’m not knocking it but it’s weird how we think of ourselves as a more connected society yet we probably have less interaction than ever before.

One of the things (among many ) that sucks about being an adult is that it’s so much harder to meet people and make friends. It’s work making time to socialize. Very different from school, where you’re surrounded by others your age and who you probably have something in common with.

How do you define friendship? Do you consider yourself to have many friends?

J

Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it. – Chinese proverb

Right now I’m facing the point where I’ve been writing as a hobby for a while (I do short stories, poetry, and essays in addition to this blog) and I’m getting the itch to start submitting my work to magazines and journals. But what’s the the big obstacle standing in my way? That nine letter word known as REJECTION!

I admit, I hate the idea of being rejected (who doesn’t?). I think people my age may have had a particularly hard time dealing with it for one big reason. When we were little kids, participating in sports and other types of competitions, everybody got an award. Just for being on the team. Even if you pretty much sucked. While coaches, parents, and teachers might have thought they were doing us a favor by not distinguishing those who were truly spectacular and actually deserved an award or trophy, they really weren’t. Because it tended to instill in us this idea that no matter how bad you are, you deserve a reward for just showing up and being on the team.  Flash forward ten or fifteen years. Many millenials struggle with the fact that they are required to prove themselves in order to get jobs or opportunities. No more just showing up and getting a pat on the back.

Growing up with this kind of philosophy may be part of my problem. But perfectionism is an issue for me as well. I don’t like doing something unless I know I can succeed. Unfortunately this has stopped me from pursuing many opportunities because I didn’t like the idea I may fail. With writing it’s always hard showing others my work because I’m afraid I’ll get laughed and told it’s horrible. But then I’ve realized sharing my work (or taking chances in general) is like getting a vaccination. Once you’re exposed to it you build a tolerance and you become immune to the disease. The more I allow people to read my work and the more I submit pieces to be published, the less I’m likely to be stung by rejection or criticism.

In my case fear of rejection or failure mostly applies to writing. But there are so many more areas where it can hold you back. A friendship or relationship can begin just by taking a chance and initiating conversation.  Taking a solo trip may never leave the wishful thinking stage if you’re afraid to be alone in a different environment.

I suppose if things were easy it wouldn’t feel so good once you get what you want.

Are you afraid of rejection or failure? How do you deal with it?

J

Happy Tuesday!

I follow Forbes on Twitter and yesterday they posted an article about ways millenials can avoid suffering from burnout. Being a millenial who suffered from academic exhaustion a few years ago, I feel I can relate. Anyway, some of the ways to avoid this trap include: knowing your threshold, prepare for melancholy moods, nurture the soul, determine your purpose, and possess self-awareness.

Millenial/Gen-Y burnout being of interest to me, I naturally decided to do some research. An interesting tidbit I read about it is that it can happen when you have a smorgasbord of opportunities in your face. And I can see this being very true. Now it’s acceptable to look for a job that inspires and provides purpose, as opposed to just paying the bills. We have chances to study abroad and travel the world, things that may not have been provided so easily to previous generations. But with so many options, there is a dark side. Can it be that we have so much in front of us that we get into everything aimlessly until exhaustion sets in and we collapse?

Looking at these tips, I think they can apply to areas of one’s life outside of academics/careers. For instance, in my case, trying to get healthy and lose weight. I’m finally seeing results but I have to admit it hasn’t been easy. When you’re working out hard, cutting out sweets and fast food, and still only losing a few ounces, it’s tempting to want to throw in the towel. Undergoing this process of getting in shape is just as much mental as it is physical, maybe even more so.

I’ve had to determine my threshold and then keep pushing when it’s been reached. I know there are going to be days when I get on the scale thinking I’ve lost two pounds and barely lost one. After the gym, I like to shower and relax with a cup of tea (usually peppermint) while I write or get on the internet. I have a purpose for totally changing my diet and becoming a gym rat: I want to be healthy and feel good about the way I look. And finally I’m aware of myself. I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not.

Burnout happens in relationships, at work, school, pursuing dreams and goals, and I’m sure several different areas. The gist of these burnout tips (in my opinion) is to just calm down and regroup. It’s not the end of the world if you get exhausted and need a break. I wish I would have known this three years ago when I left grad school, I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But then I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Have you ever suffered burnout? How did you recover?

J

Seems like every time I get on Facebook, I see either an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or a profile with a new last name added, with the maiden name sometimes in parentheses. Some of my Facebook friends I’ve known since we were in junior high, so it’s kinda weird seeing people get married and having children. Really cements the fact that we are adults. Anyway, I’m always happy for anyone who’s found someone they want to make the huge commitment of marriage with, but there’s a part of me that questions whether marriage will ever be the choice for me.

Right now I’m preoccupied with myself and my interests so marriage doesn’t hold much interest for me at the moment. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone but then I worry how much of my independence I’ll have to give up. If I want to go away for a weekend, will it seem mean if I don’t want any company? If I want to spend an evening writing, will my husband be offended? These questions sound trivial, but I’ve seen and heard of small issues between partners ballooning into big ones.

Then there’s the idealistic and romantic side of me that can’t wait until I meet someone that wants to share a home and life with me.

There are so many articles in magazines about how people in their 20s are forgoing marriage and have an increasingly cynical view of the institution. If that’s the case I can’t tell by my buddies on FB. If there is a pessimistic view of marriage I think it’s because we see so many people getting divorced in a year or two because there was no thought put into it. Several are obsessed with the idea of marriage but don’t realize there’s more to it than fancy wedding dresses, huge rings, and exotic honeymoons. On top of that, some people look for their spouse to make them whole. “You complete me” was a cute line in Jerry Maguire but it can be downright annoying when practiced in real life. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy, depending on them for everything.

One of my goals for this year is to focus on becoming my own woman. Not because I’m waiting to get married but because I think it’s important to know who I am and what I want in life. By the time I get myself squared away I’ll be ready to not only let someone in my world but enter theirs.

What do you think of marriage? When do you think you’ll be ready (emotionally) to walk down the aisle?

J

A few summers ago I read the novel Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. It was published in the early 1950s, on the cusp of notable events such as the Civil Rights Movement and the Red Scare (Communism). The novel follows a young and educated black man, whose name is never revealed. The story begins with him as a student at a southern college but following a series of crazy events he is kicked out of the school. He moves to New York City and becomes involved with communism and black nationalism. Throughout the novel he suffers humiliation and struggles with never being looked at as a human being (this is why I believe his name is never given). The story is told in flashbacks  and the narrator comes to release the hatred and hurt he had carried around for so long by telling his tale.

This isn’t a book review or critique; instead I want to look at the term “Invisible Man” and how change can come about and statements can be made simply by sharing one’s experiences. Often times it’s easy to feel as if there’s no way you can make a change or any kind of imprint on the world. After all you’re just one person. I know I’ve felt this way on several occasions, whether it’s wondering why anyone would be interested in reading what I’ve written or doubting the value in signing petitions and fighting for causes I believe in. It’s so much easier to succumb to The Powers That Be and figure there is no hope. But then I realize that even though a cause or movement may have a face attached to it, they didn’t do it by themselves. Instead they had several nameless people behind them, not worrying about making a name for themselves but determined to have their say. This has made me stand up for issues I feel strongly about, from littering to birth control.

I admit, a few days ago I thought about ending my blog. I enjoy writing it but I wish it was like one of those huge blogs everyone knows. Of course I’ve only been writing for two months so I guess I have to be a little patient on that front. But then, like the narrator of Invisible Man, I realized how much this blog has helped me grow. I’ve become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and writing with the world. And the comments I’ve gotten from acquaintances saying how much they like it and can relate to some of the things I talk about is just really awesome. If the random thoughts floating through my head that manage to make it on to this site is a help to anyone…well that’s a great feeling, it really is. It just reminds me that you can inspire and help in ways you may not even know. And no matter how small your say or imprint is, it’s there .

Have you ever learned a valuable lesson just from listening to someone’s story or experience?

J

P.S. Happy Spring!

I think spring is finally here! It’s been in the mid-70s and sunny for the past few days. Combine that with Daylight Savings Time starting and the days have been so long and fun I barely want to come in. If I sound giddy over spring it’s because I am. Spring is my favorite time of year. Flowers are blooming and it hasn’t gotten so hot it’s uncomfortable yet.

Besides my battles with hay fever, the only thing I dislike about spring is the idea of spring cleaning. I grew up having to do it every year and if you know me you know how much I hate spending a nice chunk of my day cleaning, though I appreciate how clean and fresh everything feels once I’m done. While I’ll probably be taking one of these weekends to get rid of old clothes, books, and doodads I’ve accumulated over the past few months I’m going to do be doing some mental and emotional spring cleaning as well.

I find it easy to hold on to sad and mean feelings (I’m sure I’m not the only one). There have been slights, no matter how small and inadvertent, that have led me to hold silent grudges and be angry for months. I’ve been working on letting go of petty stuff, either be writing about or talking about it (in some cases to that person, other times not). Whatever I do, I’m learning how to do deal with what’s made me upset, as opposed to keeping it bottled up and it manifesting in potentially self-destructive ways.

I have a few goals and plans for this year and I can’t dedicate my focus to them if I’m caught up in nonsense and inconsequential stuff. With sites like Facebook and Twitter where you can keep up with people’s lives without even having to talk to them, it takes no effort at all to fall into a web of comparing your life to others’ and getting caught up in gossip and mess. I enjoy Twitter more than Facebook but I’m going to try my hardest to limit my time on both of them.

I’m going to trash these bad habits so I have more time to devote to hobbies I enjoy and make me a happier person, such as working out, being outside, reading and writing.

By the way, kind of random but I just read a good article from Forbes Magazine titled “How to Make Twentysomethings Happy”. Talks about millenials in the workplace…definitely worth checking out.

Are there any bad habits or tendencies you want to get rid of in the near future?

J

I’ve had a thought on my mind for the past few days and I guess this is the place to expound on it right?

If there’s one thing that kind of gets under my skin, it’s when people presume things about me based on my looks. Now I know about stereotypes and prejudices and I know they’re basically unavoidable. I feel a bit odd writing about it because I do it to people all the time. It’s so easy to assume what kind of person someone dates, dietary choices (i.e. vegan/vegetarian), political leanings, etc. just by taking their physical appearance in.

For instance, I’m a pretty quiet person and I enjoy reading, so I’m always asked why I’m not a librarian. I worked in a library during college and while I enjoyed my job for the most part, I could not see myself ever being a librarian. There is so much more to that job than most people think (I didn’t even know you had to have a Masters in Library Science to be one!) and I quickly crossed that off my list of potential careers. Or people will tell me what kind of guy I should date based on my appearance and how I carry myself. Or if I’m having a conversation and mention that I don’t club much, I’ve become a lonely spinster who sits at home and stares out the window at everyone having fun. Not that I don’t enjoy nightclubs when I go but I didn’t realize they were mandatory for having an interesting life.

These are relatively small issues but don’t you think it’s weird how we quickly form preconceived notions of a person based on things such as how they wear their hair and clothes, how they talk, their job, even a name? Assumptions can be so powerful that we don’t even deem it necessary to get to know someone. It can be said that different sides of a personality are often hidden until we reach a level of comfort but we often have tunnel vision when it comes to meeting new people. It’s easier for you to fit into my view of what you should be. Maybe that’s why we have a hard time dealing with people who defy stereotypes and expectations. Because they’re hard to understand and categorize. So what’s the easier option? Castigate and ostracize them for their looks and personality not matching up with the puzzle I’m trying to fit them into.

What are some things people assume about you?

J

Today was one of those days. A day where nothing really went the way I thought it would and Murphy’s Law was waiting for me around every corner. Let’s see, this morning I ended up pulling myself out of consideration for a job after I realized I didn’t want to do it and it would probably make me miserable. In addition, my stomach hurt, I’m tired, can barely lift my arms from working out hard yesterday, and I knew I wanted to write today (I’m not letting this blog fall by the wayside!) but I had no idea what to talk about until about 3 hours ago, when someone suggested I make my not-too-pleasant day today’s post. When you have lemons, make lemonade, right?

I promise this isn’t going to be some whiny, angst-ridden post about all that’s went wrong the past 12 hours. We all have days like that and we learn to deal with them. Even though today was a bummer, I’m not going to spend any more time after I publish this post thinking about it. For all of the sulking I wanted to do (and did indulge myself in for a little bit) I know that my problems are relatively trivial.

When I’m in all-out pity party mode, the last five words I want to hear are: look at the bright side. But that’s exactly what I’m doing tonight, because I’m starting to realize the futility in being miserable over things that are done and can’t be changed. For instance, the job in which i took myself out of the running. The good thing is: I made that decision instead of them telling me, “Well, thanks for applying.” It felt good to be in control and know for sure what I wanted (or in this case, didn’t want). At one point, probably not too long ago, I would have taken the job even though I knew it was not a job that fit my strengths well, just because I wouldn’t have had the courage to speak my mind and tell the manager, “Thanks but no thanks.” I also would’ve rationalized the decision to take the job in my head even though after learning more this morning, I felt immediately it was not for me.  With my stomach hurting, I can go get some aspirin. With being tired, I need to get off Facebook and Twitter and go take a nap. With soreness, well I’m getting myself into shape. And it’s going to hurt but I’ll be happy I went through it in a few months when my arms are ripped . With no topic to write about, I managed to turn a crappy day into a blog post.

Strangely enough, while writing all of this I realize my day may not have been so bad after all. My biggest issue (job) was actually a result of me being assertive and refusing to settle. Perhaps I was seeing a mirage or something today because I definitely don’t think it was Murphy’s Law.

How do you deal with bad days? Have you ever found the bright spots in one?

J

Happy March!

I’m 25 years old, and I’ll be 26 in about six months (it’s truly crazy how fast a year goes by!). This puts me smack dab in the middle of my twenties and I must say, when I turned 20 five and a half years ago, I never thought these years would fly by as fast as they have. I can barely remember when it was illegal for me to have a drink. Even my college years, which only ended three years ago, are a little fuzzy. I don’t know if it was I was having so much fun ( I doubt that, for reasons I’ll explain later) or I was undergoing some external and internal changes.

At 20, I was a sophomore in college and still getting used to living semi-independently. While I was enjoying the college atmosphere and having a room all to myself, I was only half-heartedly interested in my academics. As I’ve mentioned before I was studying business, not because it truly held my interest but because I thought it would be the springboard to a good career. Even though I got more enjoyment out of my mandatory English class, I felt stuck in what I was doing. I had a vague idea about going to grad school or even law school but my heart wasn’t set on anything. I saw all my friends pursuing internships and mapping out their futures and I felt like a drifter. In other words, I wasn’t very happy. But I never shared it with anyone. I felt it was a rather trivial problem and I figured most people would just say, “Push through it. The four years will be over before you know it.”

My mental nonchalance extended to my physical appearance. Not that I completely let myself go, but in high school I’d always worn clothes from American Eagle and Aeropostale. Shortly after entering college I started shopping in thrift stores. The clothes were not only cheaper, but I found them to be more unique than anything I could find at the mall. I had shirts in all kinds of prints and even a watermelon colored sweatshirt (it even had black dots lol). Now I think my rather odd fashion sense during this time was a way for me to express myself, since I didn’t feel like I could do it through my studies.

So what am I like now? Well I’m doing this blog and hopefully on my way to becoming a writer. I don’t dress as eccentrically as I used to, even though I don’t regret anything I wore, despite knowing people used to make fun of me behind my back. It felt liberating to wear what I liked, no matter how “unique” it was. My focus now is on looking like a woman in her mid-twenties, and not like a college student (people still say I look like I’m 22!) so my clothes are a little more conservative now. I still like colorful and interesting shirts though.

Mentally, I’m much happier. I’m more secure in myself and what I want. I’m learning how to make my own choices and trust my judgment. I still kind of feel like I’m drifting but I’m not putting a timeline on my career or personal life. I’ve got the rest of my life to figure things out.

How do you think you’ve changed in the past five years?

J

This post’s title is taken from the opening lines of Anna Karenina, one of my favorite novels. In its entirety it reads, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy its own way.” Even though this novel was written in the 19th century I think this quote can still speak to the dynamics of a family today.

Family is an interesting concept. In a way they’re almost like coworkers in that they aren’t people you would necessarily choose to be associated with but you learn to make the best of it and get along. Of all the things we can control we have no hand in what family we are born into. Sometimes I look at a family on a commercial or on a TV show and they’ll all be sitting around, having a good time and thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder why real family gatherings can’t be like that. Yes most families know how to come together for reunions, weddings, and (unfortunately) funerals but usually it’s nothing like what you see on the screen. In real life families come with secrets, idiosyncrasies, and deep issues that have been locked away in a closet to preserve the idea that everything is fine and that the family is perfect.

What makes a group of people a family then? Is it only based on blood relations or does the strong relationship you have with a person create a familial bond? I’ve often heard people say things such as their friends are their family or that they know a person that is close enough to them to be considered a sibling. In our society we believe a family to be a group that you can count on for support no matter what, to be there in the good times and bad. That there are some who form extremely close relationships with people they are not in any way related to I think kind of pokes holes through the “blood is thicker than water” adage. This is only my opinion but forming familial ties with friends may especially apply to the millenial generation, because with the way our culture and society is shifting, there are rather noticeable differences between the generations when it pertains to lifestyle preferences.

Back to the Anna Karenina quote. In a way I agree with it and in a way I don’t. I agree with the idea that all happy families would basically be the same: happy. But there can be a myriad of reasons why a family is struggling or extremely dysfunctional.  I disagree because I don’t know if a truly happy family exists. We as individuals have so many issues and things that we are going through and when you bring the family together and mix all of those things….well I’ll just say I think most families do their best to enjoy each other. And that’s really all you can do. Unfortunately there’s no screenwriter coming up with ways to make a dysfunctional family picture perfect and pretending they don’t have any problems (or if they do, they can be solved in minutes or hours). There will always be dysfunction and mess but you have to appreciate whatever you call your family, because things change and people go before you know it.

Do you believe you have a happy family? Have you ever formed a family-like relationship with your friends?

J