Thoughts of a Random Nature

Happy Thursday!

I had a strange little thought on my mind last night and since this is the place for random thoughts, there’s no better place to say it. Sometimes I think it’s difficult to admit to ourselves how we really feel in some situations. I don’t like speaking for others so I’ll only provide perspective from my experiences.  I’ve had this problem in my life a few times before, where I was not only able to convince others I felt a certain way but myself as well.

I’m an example person so I’ll provide a story. When I was a freshman in college, I declared my major in Business. Business is practical, everyone said. You’ll get a great job, make great money with this major. Despite the fact that I enjoyed my required English class more than Intro to Financial Accounting, I often used the reasoning of a great corporate job (with the $$ to match) following graduation whenever asked why I picked my major. It was safe but deep down I was miserable. I hated going to accounting lectures and they might as well have been teaching the class in Italian because I didn’t understand any of it. I’d read novels for my literature class in one day but struggle through 2 pages of a chapter in my business book.

Fortunately sometime my sophomore year I couldn’t take any more. College was becoming mentally arduous because I was afraid to admit to myself that I really wanted to major in English and be a writer. I no longer cared that people thought I was wasting my money and time pursuing a major that wouldn’t necessarily lead to a high-paying job. Because if I really asked myself, that’s not what I cared about. I admit, I was so worried about fitting in and not disappointing anyone that I fooled myself into thinking I wanted to be a high-powered businesswoman. But why did this happen? Honestly I think it was a fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and defying expectations that had been thrust upon me.

There are other situations in which this feeling creeps up though. Whether it’s admitting deep down you don’t really like a person or even that you’re a tiny bit jealous or envious of someone. It’s basically admitting to yourself maybe you aren’t as nice as you think you are. Or that you’re a little insecure or vulnerable.

Anyway, like I said this was just a thought that crossed my mind and I thought here would  be the perfect place to explore it. So I turn it over to you, have you ever had to do some serious thinking and admit to yourself what was really going on?

J