Thoughts of a Random Nature

How much of yourself do you share with others?

With the popularity of reality TV, Facebook/Twitter, and gossip blogs, we don’t think very much of sharing or learning about the most intimate part of people’s lives. Showing pictures of a vacation used to be for family and friends but now, considering how easy it is to load pictures onto Facebook, Instagram, or other sites, they are for everyone to see, even people you’re barely acquainted with or haven’t talked to in years.

It’s fun being able to catch up with people’s lives without having to utter a word to them, but at the same time, there seems to be a dark side to lightly sharing your business. If I had a dime for every time I heard about Facebook or Twitter drama on TV and in real life, I wouldn’t need to work. Sometimes I think we get so comfortable and are used to hearing the daily goings-on of the people around us that we don’t realize everything doesn’t need to be posted.

I’ve been talking about friendships and relationships lately and I definitely have issues when it comes to sharing, I admit. On my Facebook I have probably five pictures posted. I post status updates but they’re mostly random thoughts (ha!) that pop in my head, never anything on my personal life. Of course I’ve heard that the more info you put out about yourself on these sites, the more you get out of them (whether it be more friend requests, comments/likes/retweets, etc.).

One of the main reasons I don’t like sharing a lot (online or in real life) is because I don’t trust easily. How do I know that the personal stuff I’ve just told someone won’t be spread around and I end up being ridiculed and humiliated? I don’t think you can ever know for sure because you never know how a relationship will turn out. One day you’re close friends/confidantes and the next you can be sworn enemies. You can never predict the results of a fallout.

My trust/sharing issue is something I want to work on. Like with social media, what you put in is what you will get out of it. The main way to get close to a person is to open up and let them see your vulnerabilities. But at the same time, it’s so important to be careful. Getting to really know someone before sharing extremely personal stuff may save you some heartache and embarrassment in the long run. There used to be a time when personal affairs were indeed personal. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately, today we think nothing of airing our business (or anyone else’s).

Does it take a long time before you’re comfortable sharing personal info with others? Do you share a lot of things online?

J

Happy Tuesday!

Being naturally reserved and an introvert, one of my biggest challenges has been making friends. When I was a kid, activities where we had to partner up with someone were the bane of my existence. I’d always be one of the stragglers. You know, one of the kids left awkwardly standing around while everyone else is looking on with a mix of pity and smugness. Then the teacher makes you form a partnership, and the awkwardness is compounded by the fact that you’ve probably never spoken to each other before. I’ll digress before I really start reliving my elementary school days.

Anyhow, as I grew older I became a little more outgoing and found myself making more friends. In junior high my life revolved around my little group of friends. Passing notes in class, AOL Instant Messenger when we got home, and parties on the weekends. Silly us, we thought we’d stay the best of friends for the rest of our lives. Once in high school, we began growing apart when we met tons of new people and really started thinking about our futures.

Back then I thought of these people as my friends. And maybe they were. Sometimes, for no reason at all, there are those who just disappear from your life. Then there are relationships that last through high school, college, moving to different cities, marriage, babies, etc. Today I’m a lot more careful in using the term “friend”. We have to have a really strong relationship for me to consider a person a friend. That’s one of my gripes with Facebook, the way it refers to those on your list as “friends”. These may be folks you haven’t talked to in years or if you saw them in real life you’d be grasping at straws to have a conversation.

Social media, not just Facebook, lets you keep up with someone’s life without ever uttering a word to them. Instead of asking a person how they’re doing, just check on their profile or their Twitter feed. I’ve done it too so I’m not knocking it but it’s weird how we think of ourselves as a more connected society yet we probably have less interaction than ever before.

One of the things (among many ) that sucks about being an adult is that it’s so much harder to meet people and make friends. It’s work making time to socialize. Very different from school, where you’re surrounded by others your age and who you probably have something in common with.

How do you define friendship? Do you consider yourself to have many friends?

J

Seems like every time I get on Facebook, I see either an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or a profile with a new last name added, with the maiden name sometimes in parentheses. Some of my Facebook friends I’ve known since we were in junior high, so it’s kinda weird seeing people get married and having children. Really cements the fact that we are adults. Anyway, I’m always happy for anyone who’s found someone they want to make the huge commitment of marriage with, but there’s a part of me that questions whether marriage will ever be the choice for me.

Right now I’m preoccupied with myself and my interests so marriage doesn’t hold much interest for me at the moment. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone but then I worry how much of my independence I’ll have to give up. If I want to go away for a weekend, will it seem mean if I don’t want any company? If I want to spend an evening writing, will my husband be offended? These questions sound trivial, but I’ve seen and heard of small issues between partners ballooning into big ones.

Then there’s the idealistic and romantic side of me that can’t wait until I meet someone that wants to share a home and life with me.

There are so many articles in magazines about how people in their 20s are forgoing marriage and have an increasingly cynical view of the institution. If that’s the case I can’t tell by my buddies on FB. If there is a pessimistic view of marriage I think it’s because we see so many people getting divorced in a year or two because there was no thought put into it. Several are obsessed with the idea of marriage but don’t realize there’s more to it than fancy wedding dresses, huge rings, and exotic honeymoons. On top of that, some people look for their spouse to make them whole. “You complete me” was a cute line in Jerry Maguire but it can be downright annoying when practiced in real life. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy, depending on them for everything.

One of my goals for this year is to focus on becoming my own woman. Not because I’m waiting to get married but because I think it’s important to know who I am and what I want in life. By the time I get myself squared away I’ll be ready to not only let someone in my world but enter theirs.

What do you think of marriage? When do you think you’ll be ready (emotionally) to walk down the aisle?

J

Before I start let me preface by saying this. I put up this picture of a comet because I think it’s a beautiful and amazing sight. Even though this post is about human beauty and its effect in society, I just wanted to put this up instead

I was reading an article one day and the author was talking about the process of finding a job. A girl she knew had gotten a plum writing position and she argued that, despite the young woman’s credentials and education, the job had went to her mainly because she was attractive. This sparked serious outrage in the comment section but the author held her ground (which I commend her for). It was a bold statement that was met indignantly. How dare someone, in this day and age, declare that a pretty girl had gotten a job because she was good-looking? What about all of her more substantial attributes, such as her education, experience, and writing skills?

Not too surprisingly most of the anger came from women. But the theory of a woman getting ahead on her looks also came from a woman, which I found interesting. And I honestly can’t argue with her. I don’t like to admit it, but yes my first impressions often come from a person’s looks. If they’re more attractive I’m probably going to think higher of them than someone I find average or not so good-looking. I think the reason this comment touched a nerve is because there’s a stigma attached to a woman advancing due to her physical features. Some of us women (myself included) would rather our looks be the last thing a person focuses on. What about my intelligence, resume, personality, etc.? If I’m a writer how I look is not going to determine how I do my job.

I can’t speak for other women, but I sometimes have a hard time accepting my looks and how that’s probably helped me in life. I like the way I look but I’ve often heard mean things like “Oh she thinks she’s cute” and given the side-eye. And I won’t lie, it hurts occasionally. Especially if you’re not a person who thinks you’re all that. So what do you do? Well there’s only so much you can do because you can’t change how people think. But I try to be as nice as I can because it can sting when people are dismissive towards you and believe you’re a stuck-up bitch. I’ve seen women treat other women badly over something as trivial as having long hair (sad but true).

I think it’s interesting that beauty is both shunned and desired in our society. Those who are believed to be beautiful can find it hard to form relationships because others look at them as having glided through life on their looks. It’s desired because of the perks it may bring, such as attention and easier to get jobs or promotions.  For all of the mud the author of that article I read had thrown at her, she was right. No matter what, we as people are going to use looks as a determining factor in if we like someone, whether we hire them, etc. It may not be the only factor but it’s in there. And I think the reason so many women we’re upset was because they want to believe their other characteristics are more important. It touched a nerve that that woman came out and said what we all basically know. Some people get things (in this case a job) because they’re attractive. Point blank.

Do you think we as a society still place a huge importance on looks?

J

A few days ago I was given a box of white chocolate fortune cookies (may sound weird but they’re actually pretty good!). Usually, whenever I open a fortune cookie after eating Chinese food, I don’t pay attention to the “fortune”, which is typically not even a fortune but some random cliche or saying. But when I ate one the other night, the message inside, “Cherish the time you have to tell those how much you care.” touched a nerve.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the motions of everyday life and take those closest to us for granted. There are times when I’m friendlier to strangers or people I have a very superficial relationship with than friends or family. When you get comfortable around someone, it’s easier to let your grumpy or moody side show. A mere acquaintance? Then you’re putting your best foot forward. Kind of crazy, huh? As has been proven over several instances, people can be here today and gone tomorrow. I’m sure those who have lost someone close to them would give anything to be able to spend five minutes with that person, and then here I am, putting off calling or sending a message simply saying “Hi” because I’m too tired or busy.

This idea can extend beyond people you are close to. What about that person you haven’t talked to in a few months or years but they’re constantly crossing your mind? It doesn’t take anything to say hi and who knows, it might re-ignite a friendship. Unless the relationship ended on bad terms, most people find it a pleasant surprise to hear from someone they haven’ t talked to in a while (I know I do).

A common saying is “time is money” but time is much more than that. Money can be lost but it can also be earned back. The time you lose with someone you care or love is gone forever. It’s definitely making me start to think how I approach and treat my friendships and relationships. I don’t have much to say today but that one sentence on that fortune cookie touched me so I thought I’d share it

Are you careful to not take time and relationships for granted?

J

A guy friend and I were talking about dating a few days ago. I find it kinda frustrating trying to date guys my age, because I’m part of what has been referred to as “the hookup culture”. It’s how it sounds, a lot of people my age (men and women) are perfectly cool just getting together to have sex. This trend is not only acceptable among my peers but it’s widely accepted in culture. TV shows and movies make it seem like it’s no big deal to have sex with people who share no connection or friendship with each other.

I lament this devil-may-care attitude when it comes to sex because it makes it even harder for those who are actually interested in more than just a sexual relationship. Before I go any further, let me say that I honestly don’t care what other people are doing. If hookups are what you prefer, then great. I’m not some prude on a crusade to stop casual sex. I just think its hard being a single woman who tries to carry herself with respect when there’s a swirl of videos on World Star, YouTube, and countless other blogs with women shamelessly showing off everything their mother gave them.

Back to the discussion my friend and I were having. I was wondering why a guy would approach me and blatantly ask me to come to his house without even a feeble attempt at conversation. He said that with women putting so much of themselves on the internet and being down for hookups, it’s very easy for a guy to paint women with a broad stroke and assume we’re all like that. Me, getting mad at being lumped in with everyone else, claimed that there was no excuse for lack of respect and manners. He said I was right but that it is what it is.

A piece of advice he gave me was to do like restaurants do: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Service. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that some guys look at women as just another notch on their bedpost. But what I can control is how much of my time I will give them. If they don’t come with respect, decency, and manners then I’ll do just like  McDonald’s and Applebee’s do: deny access.

Have any of you ladies encountered this issue?

J